Spike’s been busy!

Spike’s been a busy boy since getting booted off Top Chef – check out what’s going on with his new restaurant Good Stuff Eatery in DC!

Week Eight: Common Threads

Opening shot of Lisa the Hack smoking a cigarette on the balcony. Nice pad they’ve got there in Chicago. Antonia the moron shares: “I wake up this morning, like, fired up… fuck everybody. I came here to win.” Yeah, that’ll happen. When it comes to filler, she’s the butter to Nikki’s bread.

Quickfire!

The QF guest judge is Oprah’s personal chef Art Smith. This challenge is apparently sponsored by Uncle Ben’s… barf. Oh well, they’ve only got fifteen minutes to turn out an entree, so whatever.

Antonia the Hack serves up rice salad with skirt steak, arugula, red onions and cherry tomatoes. Hack, hack, hack.

Nikki presents veggie fried rice with mushroom, snap peas, zucchini and eggs. Yum!

From Richard we get a tuna steak with tomatoes over rice with a yuzu vinagrette.

Stephanie takes it to the next level with brown rice pancakes with scallops.

Spike dishes up rice stuffed tomatoes with veal, port and rice wine vinegar – they look a bit messy, but interesting all the same.

Lisa the Hack has rice, corn, black beans and peppers with avocado creme and grilled shrimp.

Dale whipped up pineapple fried rice with grilled scallops and grilled long beans.

Mark has miso glazed turkey over rice with snap peas and grapes.

Finally, we get wild rice crusted fish with almond and sun dried tomato pesto from Andrew.

Bottom three: Mark (booo), Stephanie (booo) and Lisa (YES YES YES YES YES).
Top Three: Dale, Richard (yea to both!) and Antonia. Are you kidding me? And shit, she wins – we have to deal with this fucking idiot for yet another week. Barf.

Elimination Challenge!

Each chef must create a simple, nutritious meal for a family for four – with a ten dollar budget. This is coming along with the guy who cooks for Oprah? WTF? I hope they don’t have to use that $10 at Whole Foods.

Yeah, of course they do. Everyone seems quite confused at the moment – who wouldn’t be? I can barely create a meal for one with $10. Oh well, back to the kitchen where menus can start coming together. But, wait – we need a twist! The chefs will be cooking along side students in the Common Threads program. And they’re all about ten years old.

Lisa the Hack is attempting a chicken breast with adamame, lime, black beans, white bread, peanut butter and apples. Final Result: Roasted chicken with edamame andblack beans, peanut butter and apple french toast. The judges aren’t loving it. Awesome.

Richard has chicken thighs with beets, avocado, lime, jalapeno, apples, black beans and ginger root. That’s some fine shopping for $10. Final result: Roasted chicken with black beans, and an apple, avocado and beet salad. Chef Smith would have taken the skin off the chicken, but liked everything else.

Antonia the Hack has linguine, chicken breast, bok choy, carrots, onion, red pepper and edamame. She probably brought along an extra $20, to hell with the rules. Final result: Chicken vegetable stir fry with whole wheat noodles.

Spike’s going with spaghetti, sauce, capers, olives, parmesan cheese, carrots, oranges and apples. Apples must have been the cheapest thing in the store. Spike’s actually pretty good with his kid, too. Props. Final result: pasta puttanesca, carrot soup and semi-baked apples. It goes over quite well.

Mark’s got curry paste, coconut milk, sweet potatoes, cucumber and naan bread. Lisa thinks that “making a curry for, you know, a family with children is kind of a bad idea.” Final result: Veggie curry, cinnamon rice and cucumber salad. “Too sweet… Not enough protein.”

Nikki is working with a whole chicken red potatoes, brussel sprouts, apples, grape tomatoes and cucumber. Some more great shopping! Final result: roasted chicken with mixed veg, and a tomato and cucumber salad. “Delicious… sweet.” Damn, filler is really hanging in there!

Andrew has chicken thighs, a fennel bulb, oranges, apples, parm and bread crumbs. That sounds like the best ingredient combo so far. Final Result: Chicken paillard with fennel, apples and orange salad. It looks outstanding. The judges love it.

Stephanie has one heck of a list: half a chicken, couscous, eggplant, zucchini, tomatoes, parm, peanut butter, yogurt, granola and – OH! – apples. Final result: couscous with eggplant and zucchini along side chicken in peanut and tomato sauce. There’s a side dish of apples with granola as well. Poor Stephanie, they’re not crazy about this either. And she’d started so strong!

Dale brings out turkey bratwurst with potatoes, onions, red cabbage and apples. “Is it spicy?” asks a little cutie at the table… yes. Padma thinks they should have done something more universally suited to the palate.

Judgement!

Andrew, Antonia and Nikki come out on top, with the win going to Antonia. Barf. Looks like filler #2 will be around for awhile.

Lisa, Stephanie and Mark have the short end of the stick. If Lisa doesn’t go home, I’ll probably cry. Mark and Stephanie have rocked so hard so many times. Lisa does mention that she learned to “pay attention to the rules, it’s the most important thing” from last week. Okay. She’s sure she’s going home. And she’s wrong.

Mark, the most charming contestant this season is out. This is absolute bullshit. Shaping up to be the worst season ever!

Week Seven: Improv (The one where Lisa, Antonia and the judges are truly pathetic)

Are we going to begin every show with footage of chefs getting out of bed?

No one is particularly distressed that Ryan is no longer in the house – Andrew notes that the room “got a little uglier,” but that’s the only shout out Ryan gets.

Jennifer is still “doing this for Zoi,” and wants to end her run in the middle of the elimination challenges. Better than getting face time in the bottom three, though, no?

Quickfire!

Padma is “delighted” to introduce Johnny Iuzzini, award winning pastry chef and food-porn website guy. Really, that is a disgusting picture. Plus, even I could photoshop a head on better than that.

Anyway, it’s the bain of their existence – pastry. They’ve got an hour and a half to make one dessert, any dessert. Several of the chefs mention that they don’t have a single pastry recipe ready… what? Is this NOT something that comes up EVERY SINGLE SEASON? Had it not happened in a quickfire, you’re going to get stuck doing a dessert at one time or another. Come prepared.

Spike goes full force with a pineapple rum raisin souffle with toasted coconut, and it’s served in the bottom half of the pineapple… shell? Casing? What is that called?
Richard’s got banana “scallops” with banana gracamole and chocolate ice cream. Padma deems it “strange and delicious.”
Jennifer serves up chocolate cake with chocolate dipped banana bites. Andrew has banana and chocolate ravioli with pudding. Nikki has buttermilk cake with berry sauce. Innovative. Stephanie (who the graphic incorrectly credits as “Jennifer” while she explains her dish) dishes out another chocolate cake, this one with salted basil ganache. Dale whips up a halo-halo with shaved ice, avocado, mango, kiwi and nuts. Lisa has yogurt with furit puree, fried wantons and strawberries, Mark’s got pavlovas made with wattleseed and Antonia “attempted” a bruleed lemon curd with lemon cake. Curd.

Antonia, Spike and Mark – YOU FAILED. He does give Spike props for attempting such a challenging dish. Mark has trouble being criticized.

The winners are Dale, Lisa (booo) and Richard (yea!). Richard wins! His big prize (besides the immunity) is that his recipe will be feature in the Top Chef cookbook they’ve been shoving down our throats all night. Barf. We can get that shit online for free.

Okay, the chefs are off to Second City! Even I’d be excited about that. I’ve loved Steve Carell for seven or eight years now – his wife, Nancy Walls, is also funny as hell. Come back to The Daily Show, Nancy!

So, they’re watching improv when all of a sudden we’ve got an audience participation thing. Name a color! Name an emotion! And then… name a food!

D’oh!

They all get it immediately, and no one looks terribly happy. In fact, Andrew and Richard look downright pissed off. I might be, too, if I had to cook one of these dishes:

Yellow Love Vanilla
Depressed Purple Bacon
Magenta Drunk Polish Sausage
Green Perplexed Tofu
Orange Turned-on Asparagus

In fact, all the courses suck so much they end up drawing from a hat to determine who has to cook what. We end up with Jennifer and Stephanie on team Orange Turned-on Asparagus, Richard and Dale with Green Perplexed Tofu, Spike and Andrew taking care of Yellow Love Vanilla, Antonia and Lisa on Magenta Drunk Polish Sausage and Mark and Nikki on Depressed Purple Bacon. MmmYum!

After the required extended commercial for Hippie Foods the chefs get down to work. Oh wait, I should mention that Lisa manages to asshole out once again: “I’m not gonna dumb down my food because of what some drunken schmuck screamed out in the audience.” She’s currently #1 on my list of chefs I want to PACK THEIR KNIVES AND GO. Anyway, she and Antonia (Team Cheater) punk out and decide to cook chorizo sausage instead of polish sausage. Freaking hacks, send these idiots home.

So, what’s the big twist this week? No electric devices for prep! Oooooooooo – They’ll have to IMPROV. Fire someone.

So, Team Yellow Love Vanilla (SPAndrew) are whipping up some vanilla squash soup. That sounds disgusting, but whatever. Cheater Antonia giggles out that she’s “gonna, like, vomit in my mouth” if Spike wins. Thank you for that.

Team Green Perplexed Tofu (Dale and Richard) are serving green curry along with grilled tofu which has been marinated in beef fat. Perplexed tofu – not bad. Much of the dish was Richard’s brain child, but Dale takes it from there since Richard brings with him immunity. The teams are all working quite well together this week.

Purple Depressed Bacon (Mark and Nikki) are going with a roasted pork loin, and Orange Turned-On Asparagus (my favorites this time around, Jennifer and Stephanie) will be dishing up a menage a trois of orange, goat cheese and asparagus.

Finally we’ve got Team Cheaters (Antonia and Lisa), who will be serving sea bass, chorizo and purple potatoes. Cheater Antonia tells us that “like, just as long as we make it taste good, you know, we’ll be good.” She’s an idiot, but I’m really rooting for Lisa to PACK HER KNIVES tonight.

Out come the dishes! In addition to Tom, Padma and Ted Allen the chefs will be serving several of the cast members from Second City. An honor.

SPAndrew’s vanilla squash soup goes over quite well. Eh.

Next up we’ve got Jennifer and Stephanie, who give perhaps the best introduction in TC history. Stephanie proudly touts the “nice long hard log of aged goat cheese,” and then they each down a piece of asparagus. It would have been a better sell had they fed each other, but it was still great. But, oh no – they don’t like the food. Ted thinks it’s not a menage a trois, but more of an orgy since there are way more than three things going on. One of the Second City women asks, “Isn’t that the point of an orgy?” Yes, dumbass, that’s what he JUST SAID. I hope she catches jokes quicker than that on stage.

Richard and Dale are pure class as they serve up their dish, alternately giving all the credit to each other. I like it, and so do the diners. They also love the food. Yea!

Okay, time for Team Cheaters. Spike tells us that “it went out cold, it looked like turds.” Also pointed out that polish sausage was their meat, and yet there isn’t a link to be seen on their plates. The morons of Team Cheaters serve the meal, do a shot of tequila (none provided for the diners) and giggle their way back into the kitchen. Hate. The diners like the dish all right, but are peeved at the BLATANT, PATHETIC CHEATING THAT THESE TWO HACKS HAVE STOOPED TO.

Last out we’ve got Richard and Nikki, and Ted Allen can’t wipe the smile off his face while he drools all over the bacon. I had some kick ass Usinger’s bacon this weekend, but I don’t piss myself when I get a good piece. Damn, Ted.

We get a shot of Jennifer packing her knives, wondering aloud if packing up before judgement might be a bad “omen.” Uh-oh.

Judgement!

Spandrew, Dale and Richard – you brought the show home! Thankfully, Richard and Dale take the win and each walk away with $2500 worth of cookware.

Losers! Team Cheaters, of course, and also Stephanie and Jennifer. Noooo! Lisa, who is disgusting, whines about never having had good polish sausage – she says it’s not something she’d “ever dream of putting on a plate.” Sounds like a really great chef. Idiot Antonia starts with “From now on…” but Tom cuts her off with “If there’s a from now on.” Disgusting Lisa whines that she’s out there for a “slight wording thing.” Yes, the concept of this challenge would have stumped Stephen Hawking, I’m sure. Moron, hack and cheater.

The judges try to reframe the issue by accusing Stephanie and Jennifer of using the goat cheese as the main ingredient, and term the plate “a trainwreck.” Food-porn star Johnny really hated it. Shut up.

We’re treated to more of Lisa’s whining and swearing back in the kitchen while the judges deliberate. In the end, the judges have absolutely no honor and choose the cheater’s dish over the plate on which an effort was actually made. Great to know that, from now on, if they say “make a chicken dish” someone can fucking put out a corn chowder – if it’s good, you’ll hang around, rules be damned.

Jennifer’s out. At least Zoi won’t be lonely anymore.

Week Six: Tailgating

The knife packing really hasn’t been going my way so far this season. Let’s see if we can change that tonight!

We open with Shithead Spike lamenting the fact that a few of his housemates seem to wish that he’d been the one to go home last week. So do a few of the viewers. He thinks it’s because people are “feeling a little bit threatened”… by the guy who was in the bottom roundup. Idiot.

We move on to a seemingly forced (semi-scripted?) confrontation between Dale and Lisa. Dale apologizes for calling Lisa out on her negativity, and she pretty much blows him off. I don’t much care for Dale’s personality, but Lisa is easily my least favorite female cheftestant. Whiner. The elimination of either one this week would please me.

Quickfire!

Yea, it’s an alcohol quickfire – let’s get it on!
Koren Grieveso, head chef of Chicago’s Avec Restaurant. Stephanie supplies the obligatory guest judge endorsement: “The food’s really awesome and it’s… really popular.” She couldn’t have seemed less enthused, but whatever.

So, each chef tastes three different beers, ultimately selecting one to pair with a dish of their choice. Antonia, also one of my least favorites, shares that she’s having a hard time maintaining her standards: “Chefs tend to think of the audience and, like dumb [the dish] down.” You can go home any day now, too.

Jennifer is “doing this for Zoi,” and has approached the challenge with a great attitude. Good luck to her. She’s chosen Land Shark Lager and has paired it the beer with shrimp and scallop beignets with fennel, avocado and pepper puree. And she wins! Our losers this time around were Nikki’s, Dale and Spike. We get a cut to see Jennifer laughing when Spike is called out. While it may certainly been creative editing, it’s deserved either way.

Elimination Challenge!

Da Bears are playing at Soldier Field tomorrow, and the chefs will be in the crowd. Tailgating is a midwestern tradition revolving around sports, beer and food – anything from Usinger’s is fair game. MmmmmUsingersausage. The chefs will be cooking for semi-trashed Bears fans before the game, and the fans will have the usual (no) say in determining who PACKS THEIR KNIVES AND GOES.

Well, each each chef for themself, which is the kind of challenge I like. They swarm Whole Foods, and Shithead Spike wisely buys up every chicken wing they had to offer. Whole Foods sells chicken wings?

Ryan, The Prince of Nepotism, is whining about how he’s not a sports fan – he likes to dance and spend his money on good clothes. What. A. Tool. My list of acceptable eliminations is pretty long this week. Also, guess what PoN, you don’t have to play the freaking sport – just shut up and cook your crap. Oh, also – for hungry drunk people he decides to go with bread salad, marinated chicken thighs and a poached grilled pear. Unless he’s marinating those thighs in BBQ, this isn’t going to go over well. Yea!

Several of the other chefs are completely on point: Spike’s got his wings going, Richard’s pounding out some burgers and Jennifer’s packing meat on a stick. What? I hadn’t meant anything when I typed that out, but I’m leaving it in.

It’s back to the house where Mark and Andrew share a bottle of wine while taking a bath together. Moving on.

Challenge time! The chefs have the opportunity to choose between the fancy electric grill and an old fashioned charcoal grill. Only Mark goes with the charcoal, and it makes me adore him even more. He needs to find a much better bath partner.

Paul Kahan, owner of Chicago’s Black Bird and Avec restaurants is guest judging along with Padma, Collichio and Gail.

Dale also hit the nail on the head with this challenge and has gone with baby back ribs marinated in tandoori and served with potato salad with raisins and mango. He flips out about serving it to a bunch of tall fat men who mean nothing to me – William Perry and Richard Dent, players for Da Bears. Screw them, I’m from Wisconsin. PACKAAAAS. The ribs are a hit, and things are looking good for Dale.

While serving up his jicama and pineapple slaw with lime dressing and fire spiced chicken wings he asks the players “When was the last time the Bears won a super bowl?” They were unhappy with the question, and having no idea myself, I checked it out. 1985. Way to go, losers. Packers rule. The judges like the wings as well.

Antonia is serving up a Jamaican jerk chicken sandwich with grilled banana and pineapple, which wouldn’t be at all bad with a beer.

Ryan is doing a great job of shmoozing the crowd while he serves up his frou frou bread salad with marinated chicken poached pear and brandy cocoa. Might as well have served a chunk of tofu on a fennel salad.

Andrew goes with glazed shrimp with potato parsnip puree and a bacon and apple chutney. It looks disgusting. Judgement is mixed.

Lisa and Jennifer will presumably be in the middle since each gets about five seconds of camera time. Lisa has skirt steak with corn cake and salsa verde; Jennifer has chicken marinated with Harissa and quinoa tabouli.

Richard gets some solid face time as he serves up his pate melt with spicy mayo and pickeled cucumbers. The fans like it, but we don’t really hear anything from the judges.

Mark is in a rush – remember now, he’s the only one who went with the charcoal grill and he’s having trouble cleaning it in between burger firings. It’s not smooth, but it’s hardly the “absolute disaster” Tom deems it. The reaction to the food isn’t good, either. Uh-oh.

On to Nikki, or as I like to think of her, the bread basket of Top Chef. She had planned to serve sausage and peppers along side grilled shrimp with hot sauce and spiced cider. She made the sauces, but not the sausage, which they’re not happy about. Also, she’s completely out of peppers and onions by the time the time the judges finally drag their asses to her table. Uh-oh again.

Judgement!

The “fan favorites” are Stephanie, Dale and Antonia. What? No wings? No burger? Oh well. This week’s winner is Dale, and kudos to him since the day probably meant more to him than anyone else. His prize is a bears Jersey… what a crock. Oh, he also gets to keep the grill. Not bad.

Mark, Nikki and Ryan – you’re up. They crap all over Nikki for not making her own sausage, and of course for running out of food before they were able to stuff their faces for the eleventh time that afternoon. Ryan is called out for making inappropriate food, and defends the “dining experience” he offered. It’s tailgating, not a “dining experience” you tool. Richard catches shit for his “messy” station and for putting so much sauce on his burger that the charcoal flavor was lost.

RYAN’S OUT! In addition to being inappropriate food, Tom lets him know it was just “not very good.” I have to give him credit though, because after being eliminated he gives a heartfelt thanks to the judges and shakes the hand of each. He leaves rather emotionally, and says that the show has taught him that “Wow, I’m not the shit.” He’s also extraordinarily complimentary towards his fellow contestants. Yup, on the way out Ryan is pure class. Overall, he’s still one of the most annoying in an extremely annoying season, but a real man on the way out.

Update on Top Chef season three winner Hung Huynh

Love him (anyone, anyone?) or hate him, we can all agree on one thing – you’d choose Hung’s food over mine any day.

I was never bothered by Hung. During the Le Cirque challenge, I wouldn’t have told my competitors how I’d completed the dish either. It is a competition, and each chef should have been on his or her own in recreating the recipe. It was either an example of sour competitors or BS editing, and my hopeful vote is for the latter.

I must admit that I was rooting for Casey (yea for a female TC!), but Hung never pretended to be something he wasn’t and won (from what we, the viewers, saw) that competition fair and square. Just my opinion.

Anyway, here’s an update on what Hung is up to these days!

Week Five: The Elements

Four weeks down, and four contestants gone. Let’s get ready to make that five.

As usual, we begin with scenes from the Top Chef house. Antonia and Zoi are still pissed that they were in the bottom six last week. Ryan, who is turning out to be nothing but filler, notes that we’ve lost two women and two men so far, and he’s ready for someone else to go. I’m still ready for Ryan to go, but whatever.

Quickfire!

The guest judge this week is Ming Tsai, chef and owner of the Blue Ginger restaurant in Boston. There is no great connection between Chef Tsai and the challenge, and he’s actually pretty irrelevant throughout the episode.

Turns out this is the taste test episode, so there is no cooking involved in the quickfire. There is, however, a twist this season – instead of being asked to simply identify ingredients by taste, the cheftestants are blindfolded and challenged to taste two different offerings of the same basic ingredient. They then must figure out which is of greater quality. We get no basis for quality save for the price – for example, the two cheddar samples are billed at $2.99 per pound and $18.99 per pound. I think this is one challenge I could actually rock.

Now it’s time for the humiliation – which chef can’t distinguish the great (expensive) ingredients from the mediocre? Surprisingly, Stephanie, who has won two out of the four elimination challenges thus far, is on the bottom with only six out of fifteen correct. Damn, not even half – sucks to be Stephanie just then. Antonia, who was quite meticulous in her testing – using different fingers and making sure to “swish” with water in between every time – scored an impressive twelve out of fifteen and secures herself a position in week six.

Elimination Challenge!

Meals on Wheels apparently hosts an annual Celebrity Chef Ball, and guess who will be serving up the first course? Our cheftestants will be divided into four teams, and each must prepare their opening course by creating a dish around one of the four elements – earth, water, wind and fire. No self selection this time around, and the chefs resort to drawing knives to determine their team. My condolences to whoever end up with Spike. I can’t wait until he PACKS HIS KNIVES AND GOES.

Padma lets the chefs know that they have only fifteen minutes to plan their menu – dang! I can spend fifteen minutes standing in front of the refrigerator and get nowhere. Poor chefs.

Richard, Andrew and Mark comprise Team Water, arguably the easiest menu to plan. They of course decide to go with fish.

Jennifer, Nikki and Ryan pull the short knife and have to plan a men around air. What? They’re leaning towards some sort of bird dish, which makes sense.

Spike, Zoi and Immunity Laden Antonia are Team Earth, which (of course) Spike bitches about. We know he hates working with the person who has immunity since, should that team put out the worst dish, increases his chances of being the one sent packing. I’m loving it. Spike wants to make butternut squash soup, but Antonia is “really like against it.” She looks down on the soup, and reminds Spike and Zoi that the Quickfire was all about quality, so maybe a squash soup isn’t the way to go (which I’m not sure about, I remember a certain mushroom soup saving a certain sourpuss in the past – hello Elia Aboumrad!). While Antonia does stick to her guns, it’s important (you’ll see why later) to note that she DOES say “if you two are totally into soup, I will make a fucking good soup with you.” Got that? Good.

Dale, Lisa and Stephanie are Team Fire, and they have arguably the most creative ideas – Dale suggests a deviled egg dish, which I would love to see since I’m a big fan of the deviled egg. Lisa deems the idea “weak,” and dreads going to the grocery store because she want to revamp the whole thing. She has a good point in noting that it’d make a great hor d’ourve, but may not be enough as a whole first course. I can feel that. At this point, Dale and Lisa look like they’d like to cook each other – I feel the first knife fight coming on!

Off to Whole Foods! I guess the fifteen minute limit on menu deliberation isn’t being strictly enforced, as there are plenty of decisions being made at the market. Team Water decides to go with the fish, which they will poach in a water bath. Lisa on Team Fire openly admits that they have “no idea what we’re going to do for the dish.” They continue wandering around, presumably searching for inspiration.

God, I hate Spike. But, he does have a point in noting that if one chef has immunity, perhaps s/he should take “just slightly a backseat” in the planning of the menu. I can see his point there. But, he loses all points with me when he justifies abandoning his soup idea because “unless you’re gonna take two women and strangle them, there comes a time that you gotta, just, roll with it and try to do as best as you can.” Nice. If there is a woman out there who has ever slept with Spike, I’m sure his appearance on Top Chef is serving to compound what must have already been profound regret.

Team Earth is still struggling, but eventually Stephanie convinces Dale and Lisa that a spicy grilled shrimp fills the fire requirement… and they’re off! Dale seems like a pretty insignificant member of this team. The women actually interrupt and talk over him repeatedly, which he has no idea how to deal with. Meek Dale… who knew?

With their menus in place and groceries purchased, the chefs head off to the kitchen of an old Marshall Field’s building, where they’ll have two and a half hours to prepare and cook their dishes – eight servings of each.

Richard has taken on the role of Executive Chef for Team Water, and their sous vide poached wild salmon will be accompanied by a parsnip and vanilla puree, watercress and radish salad and finished off with tapioca. Sounds like a whole damn meal to me, but whatever.

Things actually look good for Team Fire – they’re slicing up their prawn shrimps and have a beautiful chili salad in the works. Lisa’s doing the bacon, and we’re treated to a pretty decent explanation of her technique – press the meat, and then overlay the bacon slices with the fatty side in the same direction all the way through. Apparently bacon will fuse together, allowing the chef to cut it in perfect strips. Too bad Ted Allen’s not in this episode, he might even turn straight for this woman. Plus, he’s my favorite guest judge.

Team Air is going with duck breast and herb salad, and I guess they’re not going to factor into the decision making much since they are barely getting any attention.

Colicchio makes his way through the kitchen, determining who is going to be responsible for each dish. Richard and Andrew try desperately to impress him with a few jokes, but it falls flat. Go figure. I certainly wouldn’t put “awesome sense of humor” at the top of the Good Things About Collichio list, but who knows – maybe he’s laughs on his own time.

Well, the ball has begun! We get a shot of the judges entering, and it occurs to me that Gail Simmons must hate having to stand anywhere near Padma. That woman looks better and better every season. Oh well, Gail can’t even hold her own when pictured with Colicchio, who was recently named on of People Magazine’s Sexiest Men Alive. REALLY? What point am I even trying to make here? None, I suppose, I’m just being catty because of how often Gail pisses me off in judging – unlike Ted, I think she is often unnecessarily harsh, but that’s just my opinion. Moving on!

With time running out, the chefs struggle to get their dishes finished and plated. Gasp! Andrew finds two scales on one of the fish fillets. Unfortunately, there isn’t much that can be done at this point as they have eighty fillets to plate and serve.

Sidenote – how in the hell much food are these diners supposed to eat? They’re going to sample four different first courses, and then pack in the three additional courses served up by the “Celebrity Chefs?” That’s just gluttonous. I’d be all over it.

Anyway, it’s soundng like Golden Boy Richard may be on the wrong side of the judgement table later on tonight… the plates go out, and sure enough guest judge Tsai rightfully complains that he “ended up with five scales in my mouth.” Gross.

Up next is Team Fire, and Padma deems their shrimp “amazing.” It’s a hit all around, and Colicchio agrees that “it’s fire.” Well done, Team Argument! Team Air isn’t crazy about their dish, but figure it’s “nowhere near the bottom.” Yea for low expectations! I should cook for Team Air.

Last out is Team Earth, whose dish doesn’t go over well with the judges. Colicchio thinks it’s bland, and sees no connection to air. Some random guest tells us that “if I was a judge on Top Chef, I’d be telling one of the Earth members that they’re going home tonight.” The woman next to her gasps (literally, gasps) and goes “Oh, ouch!” Burn! Be silent and fill out your comment card.

The only dish the judges can agree that they they really liked is from Team Fire, and Lisa’s bacon was a huge hit even without Ted being present. Back in the kitchen they burn their Fire sign “for good luck.” Okay.

As always, the evening ends with judgement. Team Fire takes the win, and there are hugs all around. It’s specifically asked who was responsible for the bacon, so things are looking really good for Lisa when it’s announced that the winner gets a trip to Italy. Now we’re talking! Guest judge Tsai bestows the prize upon Lisa, and Dale is clearly pissed. In an aside he complains that “she made bacon, and she gets a trip to Italy? Are you fucking kidding me? I’m bitter.”

Send out the losers! Earth and Water, Lisa’s looking at you! The judges barf all over both the dishes. Richard takes plenty of heat for leaving scales all over his fish, and the general cooking method doesn’t go over well either – Colicchio thinks it was mushy. But wait, there’s more! They also hated the parsnip being on the plate at all, and Mark takes the heat for that.

Moving on to Team Earth, whose dish Colicchio deems “bland from start to finish.” Zoi, in the bottom for the second week in a row, pipes up that she was responsible for the Rosemary and Thyme seasoning, and it turns out that’s the only thing the judges could taste – and they hated it. Zoi is rocking back and forth, rolling her eyes… she clearly thinks she’s too good to be here. Spike mentions that he wanted to do the soup, and Antonia admits that she was “totally against doing a soup for eighty people.” Padma points out that she has immunity, to which Antonia replies that immunity didn’t stop her from voicing her opinion. Spike testily agrees that it did not, and clearly blames the entire loss on Antonia.

Back in the hot room, Spike says he should have stuck behind his soup idea, but didn’t because he’s “too nice.” I guess those scenes were cut.

At the judge’s table, it’s really coming down to Team Earth. Colicchio would like to get rid of both Spike and Zoi since they didn’t stick up for themselves and make a soup, but whatever. They were behind what turned out to be a bad dish, get over it.

Let’s bring the condemned back in. Turns out the diners also rated Team Earth as the worst dish, and it’s time for Zoi to pack her knives and go. Their trip back into the hot room is actually quite touching, and Richard is wiping away tears as they enter. After a soft “See you guys later,” from Zoi, both Stephanie and Jennifer yell out “WHAT?” and rise to comfort the eliminated chef. She’s upset, but in an aside tells us that she’s glad to have been able to compete along with Jennifer.

Time for the end credits… but wait! We’ve got a FIGHT! Spike is yelling at Antonia that she should have taken a back seat in the planning, and tells everyone that she “refused” to make a soup. If only there were some record of the planning session – we could figure out who is telling the truth! Oh, wait… Antonia reminds Spike twice that “it’s on film,” but he’s an idiot and won’t acknowledge this fact. C’mon, let’s have a double knife packing! Jennifer jumps in, calling Spike out for being an asshole, and he responds by telling Jennifer to cry all night long about Zoi being gone. WHAT. AN. ASSHOLE.

Dale also jumped in to defend Antonia, and Lisa – all high off her win – tells him to stay out of it, that he’s only “making it worse.” Big mistake, and Dale flips out, yelling about how the one time he actually voices an opinion she has to “start shit.” Jennifer kicks a chair over, and the credits roll. I hope we get some further explanation next week, because this was a really weird way to close the episode.

Anyway, here’s my take – Antonia could have been a bit more graceful in the selection of their dish since she had the immunity, but the other chefs cannot blame her entirely for the outcome. They’re all adults, and Zoi took her elimination in a mature manner. Dale is just pissed because he lost out on the trip to Italy, which I actually think should have gone to Stephanie since she was most strongly responsible for the dish. Plus, she’s already won twice and never got a kick ass trip out of it. No fair, but I’m also being biased just because I like Stephanie. I need to take a lesson from Zoi and mature it up.

Oh well, Zoi had certainly irritated me in the past, but the way she conducted herself after having been eliminated was top notch. Jennifer also took the high road, immediately coming to the defense of another when she was clearly upset over her girlfriend’s elimination. I’d have kicked Spike right in the head, and yet Jennifer chose to take her frustration out on a simple folding chair. Way to go.

Stay strong, ladies. I don’t think Spike has much time left.

Week Four: Film Food

As the fourth installment of Top Chef Chicago opens things are a bit gloomy in the house. In an aside, Manuel laments the loss of Erik, a dude he deemed “a big guy with a big heart.” We’ll all miss Erik.

Oh well, moving on. The lesbians realize they’re at a slight advantage seeing as how they don’t have to deal with missing a significant other while trying to compete. Spike is ready for one of them to go. Well, that kind of talk all but guarantees that one of them will be in the bottom roundup tonight. I hope Spike is there too. Grrr.

Quickfire!

The chefs are back in the Top Chef kitchen where they’re greeted by Padma and Daniel Boulud. Chef Boulud believes that technique is “the most important foundation for a chef,” and herein lies our quickfire. The cheftestants must demonstrate three different culinary techniques in the preparation of a vegetable plate. Hey, maybe I can actually learn something here.

Shocker! It turns out that Richard and Ryan have both worked for Chef Boulud in the past, but we are assured that this will not factor into his judgement at all. Sounds like it wouldn’t have worked in Ryan’s favor anyway, as he informs us that he “spent a very short time with Daniel – it wasn’t my style.” He actually looks pretty pissed while Boulud is speaking. Fired?

The cheftestants have thirty minutes to put together their veggie plates, which seems like a very generous amount of time. We’ve had people cook hot food in the past with only fifteen minutes on the clock. We’ve got lots of marinating and slicing going on, but nothing crazy different.

In judging Boulud likes Zoi and Dale, but thinks Lisa’s poached egg, blanched asparagus, batonettes of bell pepper and grilled zucchini marinated in olive oil and salt is “back to basics.” Ouch. Former protegee Richard fares well, as does Spike (barf – but, his plate really does look great). He’s not crazy about Manuel’s blanched asparagus, brunois of yellow pepper, supremes of lemon and endive fennel frond. Looks great to me, but “fennel frond is not really a technique” according to the Chef. Nikki didn’t properly season her veggies and thus doesn’t come out much better. I guess since we still have thirteen chefs vying for the prize, that’s all the food description we’ve got time for as no one else gets featured. Nikki, Lisa and Manuel are on the bottom, and Zoi, Dale and Richard come out on top. We all know Richard can’t win for fear of the appearance of a conflict of interest, and Dale is named the victor. Immunity! Score!

Elimination Challenge!

So, this is shaping up to be my favorite elimination challenge yet. The chefs divide up into teams of two and draw knives to determine which course they’ll be cooking at a dinner hosted by film critic Richard Roeper. Each course must draw from a movie selected by the team as their favorite. As the winner (and odd man out) Dale gets his pick of courses and quickly decides to join up with Richard and Andrew for the dish number one. They brilliantly decide to work their menu around Willy Wonka/Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – lots of food ideas there.

The second course will be served up by Spike and Manuel, whose choice of film is Good Morning Vietnam basically because Spike has “been cooking Vietnamese food for two years now.” Smart enough, I suppose – plus, it’s ridiculous to expect that two people randomly paired up are going to have the exact same favorite movie. Strategy is everything.

Jennifer and Nikki are teamed up for course three and select Il Postino, an Italian flick from the mid 1990s. Their menu of rustic food sounds yummy, even better than the Honey Dijon Kettle Chips I’m snacking on – go figure.

Fourth course will be coming courtesy of Antonia and Zoi, who decide on Pedro Almodovar’s Hable con ella, aka Talk to Her. Hmmm… isn’t that about two women in a coma? Dead to the world? Oh well, to each their own.

Course five is in the hands of Mark and the Ryan the Asshole. Ryan is a moron and hasn’t seen anything without a PG-13 rating, but ultimately suggests A Christmas Story, which may be the best movie of all time and does have an awesome scene revolving around mealtime – several, in fact. But, he can’t remember it’s actual name (I mean, that is a hard one) and needs help from multiple people. Eeeediot.

Dessert will be served up by Stephanie and Lisa – that’s never good news. Since they recently made a cobbler they decide to veto a dessert dish all together and go for beef and shortribs. Okay. I would have chosen Sideways and done a wine and cheese pairing, but that’s just me. Anyway, they manage to connect cows with some flick called Top Secret and that’s the end of that.

We’re off to Whole Foods! Each team has $150 and thirty minutes to get everything they’ll need for their course. Andrew, always humble, has “no doubt in my mind that the people who are going to be eating this food will culinarally crap in their pants when they see what we have for them.” Nice. I can’t wait until he’s gone. Poor Mark seems to be mentally checked out of this one, and considering the fact that he was only partially sure that A Christmas Story was a comedy, I’m not all that surprised.

So here’s an “interesting” notion: Spike wants to dress up as the Chocolate Factory’s Oompa Loompahs, a suggestion Dale rightfully shoots down very quickly. Know your audience – do you really think Colicchio and Padma would appreciate that? I might like it, but I have the sense of humor of a eight year old boy. Seriously, I still think throwing food is funny – I’m with Dale on this one. It’s not the time or the place. Haha Spike!

All right, time to cook. Richard, Andrew and Dale are opening the meal with smoked salmon, faux caviar and white chocolate wasabi sauce, a dish that doesn’t go off without a hitch. Richard’s handheld smoker takes a crap and they resort to holding the salmon pieces over a smoking woodchip – nice! Spike and Manuel’s menu consists of a summer roll with chili-rubbed chilean sea bass and pickled swiss chard. Hmm. Jennifer and Nikki are making their own pasta from scratch. I’ve done that before, and it’s quite a process. Double winner Stephanie and Lisa are going for a NY strip, braised short rib potstickers and apple potsticker with caramel sauce. Now for me that apple/caramel combo counts as dessert-type-food, so well done ladies. Clever!

Dinner is served in what may be the crappiest dining room of all time – it looks like a cheap set, that’s all I can say. All the diners appear to be in front of a blue screen… I’d guess they were going to add in awesome scenes later, but those screens are actually green, right? Why aren’t the screens silver? That would have played into their little dinner. Anyway, this party is being thrown by Richard Roeper for Aisha Tyler – hey, it’s Charlie from Friends! I’ll be watching your reviews of Tyler’s movies very closely from here on out, Roeper.

So, our only trio is up and they’ve paired their dish with a pear and celery soda as a play on the “fizzy lifting drink.” Awesome. It’s a hit! Next comes Spike and Manuel’s Vietnamese dish, which isn’t popular. The judges don’t like the fact that they used fish over lobster, and they hate the swiss chard on the side. Padma, who has never looked hotter, totally calls the fact that they decided to do Vietnamese food and then picked a movie to match. Well done.

Jennifer and Nikki serve up their tortellini with cavolo nero, ricotta, pecorini cheese, squash and peppercorn – as the judges bitch and moan about this and that Roeper jumps in, noting that he thinks “it’s better than all the experts have been saying so far.” Ted defends by saying they’ve got to be as picky as can be while judging, which we understand. Nice to see someone finally called out on their ridiculous over-dramatic tendencies.

A Christmas Story inspired a quail breast with carrot puree, cranberry chutney and quail spring rolls, which everyone loves. Well done Richard and Andrew. Antonia and Zoi are up next, and indroduce their dish as being something of an homage to the vibrant colors and feel of Spain, but (hello), it’s lamb. Really not that vibrant. The judges snark all over the presentation and the best compliment the dish gets was “fine and good.” Finally we’ve got our pseudo-dessert, which everyone likes a lot. One of the diners notes that it’s something she couldn’t make at home, which is also my bar for food. Looks like Stephanie may have a third win on her hands.

The extras are dispatched and Daniel, Ted Allen, Padma and Collichio remain at the table to decide on the winners and losers. We’re about to cut to commercial, but first the viewer is given the opportunity to chime in on the idiocy of Andrew and his idea of serving in Oompa Loompa outfits. I wonder how that will go.

Well, we’re back in the TC Kitchen, and Willy Wonka and Top Secret are called out. Winners! There are congrats and hugs all around, which we all like to see. Richard is lauded for taking the risk of putting the white chocolate on their plate and ultimately Chef Daniel deems him the winner. Well, Stephanie has already won two out of three, and she’s happy for her fellow chef.

Back in the kitchen some of the other chefs are snarking all over the dishes chosen as winners, Zoi most audibly. She and Antonia, along with Spike and Manuel are called out as losers. Zoi has more attitude than is wise, but the only real problem the judges have is the ridiculous way the dish was introduced – bold and colorful, which it completely lacked.

We already know the judges hated the guys’ swiss chard, and Manuel takes the heat for that one. The judges eventually ask who should take the responsibility for the team’s loss, and neither man will sell the other out. I now have an ounce of respect for Spike, that was indeed classy. Of course, it was almost entirely his dish, which also works to Manuel’s disadvantage. He says he looked at the task as an opportunity to learn something new from Spike, saying that he strives to learn new methods every day. Nice, but he really is sounding like a line cook and not a Top Chef. It’s not looking good, which sucks because Manuel is another one of the most likeable characters in the TCC bunch.

Final scene. The women are almost immediately told that they’re safe. It’s down to Spike and Manuel, and it’s revealed that their dish was the unanimous “least favorite” among the diners. Spike took the lead, but Manuel failed to do anything to rescue the dish. Spike’s in, Manuel’s out. He is pure class, and thanks and compliments his fellow chefs to no end on his way out the kitchen door.

Best of luck to you, Manuel.

Endnote: 85% of Bravo viewers agree that Andrew is an idiot.

Week Three: Block Party

Two weeks down, two women gone.

The “Block Party” amuse bouche consists of scenes of the chefs back in their Chicago pad. As the twins (Andrew and Spike) clown around, I assume annoying anyone who isn’t either Andrew or Spike, the rest of the chefs rise to face yet another challenge. Stephanie laments the loss of Valerie, hoping that at least one of the women will make it to the finale. There is little talk about a woman actually winning – just making it to the finale seems to be the goal. I see no connection to any other current event.

Quickfire!

The guest judge is Chicago chef and “culinary star” Rick Bayless, white cooker of The Mexican Food – ahem, fine dining Mexican cuisine, that is. Bayless, who is apparently a distant relative of Don Knotts, will judge the cheftestants’ ability to create a “high end” taco. This sounds easy enough, but of course many of the chefs (most notably Erik and Spike) find reason to bitch. Tacos are “street food” and not fine dining. Did these two watch the past seasons? We’ve seen chefs make high quality food out of ingredients purchased at a gas station. Show some creativity, dipshit.

He’s not crazy about Erik, Lisa or Ryan… we’ve got out bottom three. Andrew and Richard have no problem with creating great tacos, and the they (along with Spike and his boring pork taco) comprise Bayless’ top picks. Andrew does a duck breast taco with plantain jam and cotija cheese…Bayless loves it. Richard forgoes the traditional tortilla, instead using shaved pieces of jicama – innovative! His filling is avocado, papaya and cilantro stems – mmmmmmm. Andrew is sure he’s about to win, and I love to root against him. Yea! Or wait, Boo! In the end, Richard is the standout and secures himself immunity for the next round. Top Taco! Richard’s creation will even be featured on the menu of Chicago’s Topolobampo. That is no trip to Cannes, but it’s not bad.

Elimination Challenge!

The chefs divide themselves into two teams (have we ever seen voluntary division before?) and load into vans to be driven to an as yet undisclosed location. Before long they arrive at a residential neighborhood, where Padma informs them they will be cooking for the neighborhood’s annual block party. I didn’t know neighborhoods still had block parties – is this a Chicago thing? I like it. So, they’ll be cooking for approximately seventy adults and forty children… but they won’t be shopping for them – they’ll be shopping from them.

The chefs must go door-to-door and pilfer ingredients from the kitchens and pantries of the folks they’re about to cook for. I guess it isn’t a huge surprise to the neighborhood (especially to those residents who already had camera crews in their homes to get that ‘opening the door’ shot), and the overall task is pretty bland. I hope they were reimbursed for what was taken, though, as one woman with a pantry the size of my bedroom even handed over bottles of wine. That would have to be a pretty big contribution for a block party, I’m just saying. Maybe the TC producers stocked them up before hand with the agreement that they’d get to keep whatever the chefs didn’t take. I’d take that sweet deal.

So, back to the planning. Team Blue, consisting of Richard (con immunity), Manuel, Stephanie, Mark, Lisa and Antonia and Nikki, decides to go ‘upscale,’ doing something other than just hamburgers and hot dogs. Cut to Team Red (Andrew, Spike, Erik, Dale, Ryan, Zoi and Jennifer), who are planning their menu of hamburgers and hot dogs.

Next morning – day of the challenge. They’ve got three hours to get their menu done, and from there it must be transported back to the neighborhood for the par-tay. Team Blue has decided to go for a paella, slaw, BBQ pulled pork, bean salad, fruit cobbler, mac and cheese, an inside out cookie and a “sexy drink.” What makes it sexy? Lavender. Nikki is using velveeta for the mac and cheese… was this a requirement? Dave from season one would cry – we all know that man could serve up some mac and cheese! And seriously, one of those houses had to have something other than a “cheese food.”

Things are a bit cocky over on Team Red, even though their menu consists of sliders (tiny hamburgers), corn dogs, pork skewers, sangria, waldorf salad, pasta salad, taco salad and s’mores. Erik’s corn dogs actually look really good, but he’s still got to transport something that’s been deep fried before actually serving it. That might not go well. Zoi isn’t happy about having to make pasta salad, and whines about it. She “feels a little bit like [she] should have said something,” but, of course, she didn’t. Boo-freaking-hoo.

Cut to the block party. We’ve got chalk drawings, games, rides and hungry folks waiting for food as soon as the chefs arrive to unload. I want to live on this block! Erik’s corn dogs are soggy, but not so bad that he feels they are unfit to be served. Nikki’s mac and cheese hasn’t done well on the commute either, and has “totally dried out.” She tries to save it with butter and cream, but it’s not looking good. Hmm… lots of attention on the corn dogs and mac & cheese – I’d call a bottom team if they weren’t on separate ones.

Well, Bayless is back to guest judge along with Padma, Tom and Ted Allen – Nikki’s got bacon on top of her mac & cheese, so Ted should be content. He also gets really excited about sausage, so I guess breakfast foods are great all around in his book. Dale really took his pork skewers to the next level – they look great. I just ate, but I could go for some of that. Anyway, his pork tenderloin has been done with pineapple and smoked red curry BBQ sauce. Both Padma and Ted sound impressed. The cocky streak of Team Red hasn’t ended, and Spike/Andrew has all but called their win. They’re off to drink beer and play games with the neighbors. Maybe Erik is off the hook!

Let’s check with the middle-Americans! Hey, they’re just like me! They’ve got positive things to say about both teams, but weren’t crazy about Richard’s paella. Uh-oh… they also thought Erik’s corn dogs were too soft. He’s getting way too much attention this time around. That’s never good.

Back to judging… Tom isn’t impressed with anyone. Team Blue is summoned first, and it’s noted that the mac & cheese had “formed a brick” and that the paella wasn’t really a paella, but more of a rice pilaf. Still, the flavors was fine. Stephanie notes that she “conceptualized the dessert” and helped with the drink. She’s declared the winner, and that’s two wins in three episodes. Not bad Stephanie! Still, Tom cautions them that he expected much more. Send out Team Blue.

Not a soul on Team Blue is happy for Stephanie in her win, though a few through half-hearted ‘congratulations’ her way on their way into judging. Ryan has no idea why they’re there, and Andrew “thought we kicked their ass.” Padma – “You didnt.’ Nuff said. Erik explains that the transport time was the problem with his corn dogs, but Ted Allen points out that they knew that was part of the challenge.

Spike jumps in, saying that the four judges have much more sensitive palates than those of the residents in the neighborhood, and that they’d “cooked for the neighborhood.” Bad idea, plus I’m kinda insulted. Oh, who am I kidding, I like Taco Bell. Zoi again whines about having to make the pasta salad, and Erik admirably points out that she hadn’t wanted to be stuck with that dish.

Again, Spike jams his foot in his mouth and warns the judges that they’ll have to pull him out with security guards should they choose him for elimination – “this is my house.” I’d kick his ass out just for being a douche, but it’s not my call to make. There is actually no (televised) reaction to his outburst, and the whole team is sent back so the judges can deliberate. It is decided that the weakest dishes are Ryan’s soggy Waldorf salad and Eric’s corn dogs. Ted thinks they looked “absolutely amazing,” but by serve time it just didn’t hold up. Zoi’s pasta dish is deemed “terrible,” and the judges think pasta salad from the grocery store would have been better. She’s still angry at herself for not speaking up (which, apparently she had at least done to Erik).

Oh well, a decision has been made, and even though Erik failed at a comparatively challenging dish – not a soggy salad – it is his time to go.

Boo. Come cook for me, Erik.

Week Two: Zoo Food

I’ve taken to watching Top Chef at mealtime. I cannot get through an episode without stuffing my facehole with something or other, so I might as well make it dinner.

So here we are, week two! Woohoo! These early episodes are a bit tougher to recap as the actual food description takes up so much time. It’s hard to snark on an anchovy.

The chefs are all settled in to their sweet Chicago home, and episode two opens with bit scenes of the women exercising and the men lounging around in the kitchen. Leslie mentions that she and Stephanie used to work together at a restaurant there in Chicago; she’s happy to have a friend around and hopes they’ll be able to compete together as a team at some point. Foreshadowing?

Quickfire! The cheftestants are called to Chicago’s Green City Market, where they are greeted by Padma. After watching parts (most) of the Season One marathon the other day, and the horror that was Katie Joel, it’s nice to see Padma again. Quick word to her, though: don’t be giving out your cookbook as a “prize” this season… seriously, these are chefs, they aren’t going to spend time hunched over your collection of recipes – does anyone disagree? Plug it all you want, but let’s save the MacBooks and trips to Cannes to be doled out as gifts.

So, the challenge is that the cheftestants must create a dish using only five ingredients – that’s five from the market and TC Pantry combined. The only ingredients that don’t count are salt, sugar, pepper and oil. Is this supposed to be a terribly difficult challenge? I mean, we’ve seen cheftestants in the past create awesome dishes using three ingredients from a gas station. Assuming the chefs can count, this should be a breeze.

There isn’t much drama at the market save for the fact that Mark forgets his lettuce at one of the stands… whatever will he do?

Back in the kitchen the chefs are met by Padma and guest judge and molecular gastronomist Wylie Dufresne of NYC’s wd-50. I love how completely underwhelmed the chefs often are regarding their guest judges. Spike all but vomits in his own mouth while giving us the obligatory cut-scene background info about Wylie. Bottom line – if it’s not Colicchio, no one gives a shit.

We’re off! Here’s the rundown of the dishes… sigh, fifteen chefs to go through.

Richard: Chicken soup, using chicken, apples, apples cider, eucalyptus and butter. Wylie’s only aired comment is that “it’s not terribly strong on the eucalyptus.” Ouch. Being a “molecular gastronomist” himself, Richard had been hoping for some love.

Ryan: Lettuce, radishes, potatoes, sirloin steak and dijon mustard. “Properly cooked, simple, tasty… nice.”

Dale: Mushrooms, shallots, mushrooms, eggs, butter. “Very nice, thank you.”

Valerie: Rib eye steak, peaches, sweet potatoes, tomatoes, arugula. “Refreshing. Very juicy.”

Spike: Tenderloin tips, apples, bread, apple cider, rosemary. Poor Spike, he’d been expecting full tips but when he inspected his purchase found they’d been all chopped up. “Thought this was going to be a sandwich.”

Erik: Lamb chop, baby carrots, potatoes, mint, garlic. “All right, thank you.”

Mark: Sirloin steak, turnips, mushrooms, peaches, butter. “Nice sideburns.”

Andrew: Lamb chops, peaches, onions, mint, potatoes, balsamic vinegar. One, two, three, four, five… six. Nice job, Andrew. You’re out.

Well, scratch the fifteen chefs… these are the only descriptions we get. The lesbian power couple has been shafted! C’mon, Bravo!

Biggest disappointments: Spike, Erik (dammit – I like Erik) and Richard. Ouch!

Standouts: Ryan, Valerie and Mark. Yea! I like Mark (I pretty much like anyone with an accent). Mark wins! Wylie likes how Mark dealt with forgetting the lettuce… his ability to shift his entire menu on the fly shows the mark of a true Top Chef. So says I.

On to the elimination challenge. The cheftestants draw from the knife block one of five animals: Vulture, Bear, Gorilla, Penguin and Lion. Hmm, what was the title of this episode? Kick ass, I’ve never met a zoo I didn’t like. Zoos rule. Plus that’s a fun word, “zoo.” Zooooo.

So, we’ve got five teams with three members each, and their challenge is to cater a staff party at the Lincoln Park Zoo. The menu must conform to the type of foods eaten by the animal they’ve selected. Poor team vulture. Here’s the team lineup:

Vulture: Manuel (this guy gets no camera time, so we can assume he’s safe), Zoi, Mark
Bear: Dale, Spike, Nikki
Gorilla: Antonia, Valerie, Stephanie
Lion: Erik, Ryan and Richard
Penguin: Andrew, Lisa, Jen

The cheftestants begin to figure out their menus, and a bit of special attention seems to be paid to team Gorilla. Uh-oh! Editor attention is never a good thing…

Back at Casa TopChef Dale attempts to foretell the winner a la Lisa Simpson: “What are you more scared of, a bear or a vulture….c’mon, BearVulture?” Is that like a ManBearPig? I still haven’t entirely forgiven Dale for that headshot, plus he’s annoying in the opening sequence.

Menu. Boring.

Team Gorilla: Lamb and edamame lettuce cups, banana bread, crab salad on celery root chip, black olive blinis with mascarpone.

Team Lion: Bison tartare, beet salad with goat cheese foam, chicken sate, prime rib with horseradish foam. From his couch Marcel emails a poem in which he is all “yo, man, whatever!”

Team Bear: Venison loin with squash, seared salmon, stuffed mushrooms, cheese and honeycomb on bread. Oh man, I don’t dig venison but the rest of that menu sounds awesome. Someone needs to prepare “cheese and honeycomb on bread” for me. And I shall judge it.

Team Penguin: Thai shrimp and crab salad, roasted zucchini, squid ceviche, yuzu and mint “glacier.”

Team Vulture: Braised chicken on tostada chip, moroccan lamb meatball, anchovy on quinoa croquette.

Colicchio in the house! We’re twenty-six minutes into the show and this is the first Tom sighting! He stops by each table to pull faces and subtly express his complete lack of confidence in all teams. Ahh, Tom. I know I’m not the only one who would like to see the judges cook under the same circumstances as the chefs – just once. Preferably with ingredients purchased from a gas station.

So, Dale is concerned about his team’s mushroom dish – they taste okay but they “look like turds, and who wants to put a turd in their mouth?” More eloquence from Spike – or Andrew, I really can’t tell those two apart. Let’s get rid of one of them to make my job easier.

Stephanie’s chips (on which her crab salad was to be served) are soggy. It’s salad city from here on out, baby! Quick thinking, and who wants their salad on top of a chip anyway? Pretentious. Oooh, let me eat my chip-salad while I watch anime and drink Australian Shiraz.

That’s enough out of me. The blinis are also getting some air time, and not in a good way – I think we’ve got our bottom three! Mushrooms, crab salad and blinis. Bad news for Team Gorilla.

Colicchio and Wylie are joined by Gail Simmons and Padma. Does anyone else wonder about these judges? I mean, there is nothing they don’t like as a whole. Pickled vegetables, good! Squid, good! Anchovies – gooooooood. Just once I’d like to see one of them look back and forth between a plate and a chef, whisper “No. Not today, not ever,” and walk away. Oh well, I guess making crap taste great is the mark of a TC.

Nikki wisely attempts to “forget” the mushrooms, but Gail has to be a big spoil sport and inquire about the missing dish. Mushrooms served, mushrooms dissed. Spike thinks they should have been pulled, and perhaps he’s right – but my guess is that, had that been decided, Team Bear would have stood at judges table for an incomplete menu as opposed to a crappy dish. Which is better? You have to decide.

The chefs have only known each other for a week or so at this point, so there is little conflict during the challenge. Everyone seems to be pulling their weight, working well – nice to see, but we know it won’t last all the way to Restaurant Wars!!!

Judges table dum de dumdum…

The Vultures and the Penguins are called out first. I think they make them stand back like 100 feet to get that shot from behind the judges’ table. Congrats, V’s and P’s, you are the winners! Wylie selects Andrew as the winner, but he goes away prizeless. That sucks.

Send back the Gorillas and the Bears. We’ve already highlighted which dishes they’re here for (mushrooms, crab salad and blini). Colicchio hated the peccorino cheese that had been added to the mushrooms. Dale explains: “I looked at those mushrooms and said ‘that looks like shit.’ I want to put cheese on it so it doesn’t look like shit.” Nice. Too bad no one bothered to taste the mushrooms after the cheese had been dumped on top. I dislike Dale more and more – he shifts the blame to Nikki despite interjections from both she and Spike. Still, we’ve got one bad dish here, two there.

Stephanie goes down for her crab salad, but she was the winner last week… will that be enough? Valerie goes down for the blini. Colicchio wimps out and asks Antonia who she’d hire in her restaurant… Stephanie. Ouch. In a cut scene Valerie mentions that Antonia hadn’t even tasted the blini – double ouch. Add to that, the banana bread that Stephanie made was a hit with the judges. I think we know who’s about to PACK HER KNIVES AND GO.

Ah, Valerie, we hardly knew you.

In closing, I must say it’s nice to see the judges act a bit more restrained with their critique for the time being. Calling dishes at this level “terrible” or “inedible” is kind of an insult to the audience… I prefer adjectives like “weak” and the like. No point in being an ass just to be an ass. Well, I guess that is the point. Nevermind.

Zooooooo.

Aside: These Step it up and Dance commercials are the most annoying thing on Bravo right now, and that includes the douche who just won Project Runway. I despise every single person on that show, and I can find love for the Top Models. Always.

Premiere Episode: Anything You Can Cook I Can Cook Better

All right… manufactured conflict, awkward cuts and snarky judges. That’s right people, Top Chef is back! 

We begin with a brief introduction of each contestant. First up is Ryan, on whom I hereby bestow the title of Top Douche. Ryan smugly informs us that his parents put him to work in their restaurant at age eleven, and he, wonderchild, was so awesome that his father responded by firing two other workers… so, nepotism put two people out of a job. Great way to endear yourself to America right now. Likeability rating: 1  

Next up:  Nimma, whose back story was clearly designed to resonate with viewers. Her parents are strict, but they still love and support her stint on Top Chef blah blah blah. Definitely likable. 

On to Zoi, who in her application video freaks out over her ability to make spicy pig head soup. Okay.  Likable.

Mark gets intro number four, another seemingly cool guy. He moved to the US from New Zealand and wants to win so he can open his own restaurant. Likable. 

Nitrogen lover Richard is up next, and he’s “super pumped and excited.” He also sports what I suppose passes for a mohawk. This guy is 35, and he makes me feel better about the fact that, at 29, I still wear short sleeved tees over long sleeved ones and Converse shoes.  Super likable! 

As Jennifer introduces herself via voiceover she’s shown walking with Zoi… and getting pizza with Zoi… and laughing it up with Zoi. Fast friends right here in Chicago. I have no real read on this person, I think she’s going to fade into the Top Chef background. Likable enough, though.

So by now the Cheftestants are at Pizzaria Uno, presumably meeting each other for the first time. Erik (aka NotHowie) shakes hands while his voice over tells us how vocal he is about things being done right in his kitchen. Likable (I’m pretty easy!)

Now we’ve got Spike of the Annoying Headshot. He’s the first who gets bleeped (more than once, at that) during his intro. NotHowie got bleeped in a piece of old footage he included, but “badass” Spike has decided to fuck it up during his actual intro interview. Come on. He’s the second one I don’t like.

Stephanie walks up to the pizza joint next (do you think they’ve got them all down the street, holding them like it’s backstage at at Top Model? Go! Go! Go!), and she has an Obi Wan backpack. I’m not a Star Wars nut, but I’m loving this girl.

So, break for some drama. Zoi and Jennifer are a lesbian couple from San Francisco. Bravo pushes this issue all night… do they have an unfair advantage because of their relationship? Text your vote! I doubt they have a serious advantage, and no thanks.

Quickfire! Not all the intros have been made, but I guess we’ve met the people who will factor in to this episode. Well, we know how Top Chef is all about imagination and creativity, so the challenge must live up to that, right? Drumroll!!! We’re going to make deep dish pizza! How… predictable.  

Everyone is nervous about this quickfire, and I certainly can’t blame them for that. It sucks that Top Chef doesn’t have some kind of a ‘free week’ to start off – I mean, considering the professional backgrounds these people come from I’m sure they could all cook my ass off… it’s always sad to see one go home when barely out of the gate. Such is the life of a (might have been) reality TV star.

What, more introductions!? They snuck these in on me. Here we’ve got Dale, who is infinitely less annoying than his head shot lead me to believe. Seems all right. He’s followed by Valerie, who is from Chicago but whose background is in fine dining – good luck making deep dish pizza. Likable. Manuel pipes up next, another executive chef from NYC – “classically French trained.” Barf. Other than that, he’s all right. I’m just jealous. I’m bored with these intros, they’d better hurry it up. Nikki from Manhattan is up next, and she’s all about thin crust. Crust war! Antonia, you’re up! Antonia loves to feed people. That’s all she gets.  Lisa’s turn, and she likes to “touch people with food.” Moving on!

Piece of crap Spike is whining about how his pan has been used by another competitor, and that he looks like a “fucking hack” because he’s now making his pizza in a cast iron skillet. Awesome. He talks to himself the whole time and snorts his distain right into his pizza. Break me off a piece of that!  

We get a sidebar from Dale, who opines away about how “horrible” many of the pizzas look – and he’s right. I hate deep dish to begin with, and the last thing I’d want is two extra inches of crust. Others are falling apart, and one will barely come out of the pan. Better luck next time.

Now, the cheftestants are off to deliver their pizza! They pack up the ‘za (Michael Scott!) and drive off to a new location. It’s a beautiful home, but whose can it be? Ding dong!  The door is answered by… Rocco Dispiroto. I assume each and every one of the cheftestants just threw up in their own mouth. I have to give them some credit though, they manage not to look too annoyed at the sight of this guy. 

Here’s the menu:
Valerie: Meat and potatoes pizza
Antonio: Pizza with burrata cheese, prosciutto, arugula and heirloom tomatoes
Lisa: Asian BBQ duck pizza 
Manuel: Pizza with sopressata and rapini a la siciliani  
Richard: Peach Taleggio pizza with sweet tea sauce. 
Stephanie: pizza with melon-tomato sauce, prosciutto, olives and arugula. Crocko says he smells “something funky.” I see something funky, assface.
Zoi: pizza with broccoli, pesto and lamb sausage
Dale: pizza with sausage, pickled kohlrabi, scallions and sriracha sauce
Ryan, Nepotism Wonderchild: pizza with escarole, ricotta salata and butternut squash
Nikki: White pie with comte, ricotta, pecorino cheeses and mushrooms.
Andrew: pizza with smoked marinara, prosciutto, onions and cheese
Jennifer: “Harvest Pizza” with grapes, bacon , fontina and rosemary
Erik: Pizza with mushrooms, onions, pepper and sausage
Spike: Pizza a la Grec: with onions, feta cheese, olives and sausage
Nimma: “Hunter-style pizza” with mushrooms, onions and stracchino cheese. Padma: “It’s missing a lot of salt.” 
Mark: Pizza with chicken, zucchini and marmite molasses

So, Rocco DiSmuggio has the cheftestants gather around – they are told to move over to a certain side of the room when he calls their name. Those called are Lisa, Nimma, Valerie, Manuel, Andrew, Stephanie, Nikki and Zoi. You guys are the losers! Hey look at them over there, standing, what a bunch of losers.  

Padma informs the chefs that the results of the quickfire will play into the elimination challenge tomorrow, and then she’s all like, “Yo! Casa motherfuckers!” Wait, maybe that was Spike’s paraphrasing. Turns out the beautiful home they just served pizza in will be their bunkhouse for the Chicago portion of the competition. Too bad it’s already been tainted by Rocco. Call a priest or something. Maybe a Denny’s line cook could rid the place of Rocco’s pretentiousness.

While the majority of the chefs hang out downstairs and get to know eachother Nimma heads upstairs. She’s “not here to have fun.” I’ve heard “not here to make friends” plenty of times, but – no fun? It’s reality TV, not the CIA. Get down, pouter. She sure is getting an awful lot of camera time….hmmm.

Cut to the next day. The quickfire winners choose knives numbered one through eight. Each QF winner picks a QF loser to battle against, but -oh!- there’s a catch. The QF loser will choose, from a shortlist, what dish they will cook.  Erik pulls knife eight and (correctly) realizes that he’ll be making a souffle – because who in their right mind would choose that when they could make crab cakes or lasagna instead?

So, in each pair there will be a winner and a loser, and the losers are the only ones who will be in line to PACK THEIR KNIVES AND GO.  The chefs are working separately, so the challenge goes pretty easily. Plus, it takes too long to write these when there are still sixteen contestants. Are you still there, reader? Don’t you have TiVo? I don’t, I have a cheap DVR that works just as well as a stupid Tivo any day. No TiVo tells me what to watch ever, EVER. 

Judges are in – Bourdain in the house! This guy can be an ass, but at least he’s got cred.
Mark vs. Stephanie on the Duck a l’orange. Winner: Stephanie.
Richard vs. Andrew on the Crab Cakes. The judges like both dishes, but Richard takes the (crab) cake. 
Jennifer vs. Nikki on the lasagna: Again, they love both, but the victory goes to Nikki. She made her pasta from scratch – nice.
Antonia vs Nimma on the Shrimp Scampi: Winner: Antonia. Nimma’s is TOO SALTY. Poor Nimma, she just can’t get her salt right. Crocko would have “sent it back if [he] ordered it in a restaurant.” Hopefully it’d be spit in before coming back out. Oh well, maybe he’s a nice guy off camera.
Spike vs. Lisa on the Eggs Benedict. Winner: Lisa (haha, Spike!), but they did love them both.
Dale vs Manuel on the Steak au Poivre. Winner: Dale.
Ryan vs Valerie on the Chicken Picatta. The chefs aren’t crazy about either one. Winner: Valerie. The ladies are representing!
Erik vs Zoi on the souffle. Winner: Zoi.

After some judge deliberation (and awesome Bravo commercials for us viewers), Padma invites Antonia, Nikki, Richard and Stephanie back into the hot zone. Dale curses his misfortune. Bad loser, now he’s annoying me again. Again, ladies represent and Stephanie is declared the winner of the first EC! Go you!

Loser call out. Stephanie has the task of sending back Ryan, Erik, Nimma and Mark. Crocko gives Erik a bunch of shit in the form of a condescending Q&A (what makes a souffle rise?), but – contrary to what Chef C asserts, Erik gets a pass for drawing the souffle, clearly the most difficult dish to attempt. I’m totally rooting for Ryan to go back to Dad’s kitchen. But no, Nimma doesn’t know her salt and she’s out. She leaves with nothing but class, thanking the judges for the opportunity and remaining positive. I really like Nimma and am sorry to see her go so soon. Again, why can’t we have a free week so the chefs can get their bearings? Because they need to be ready to work under pressure, blah blah blah. Cheers to Nimma – she could cook for me any day.