Week Seven: Improv (The one where Lisa, Antonia and the judges are truly pathetic)

Are we going to begin every show with footage of chefs getting out of bed?

No one is particularly distressed that Ryan is no longer in the house – Andrew notes that the room “got a little uglier,” but that’s the only shout out Ryan gets.

Jennifer is still “doing this for Zoi,” and wants to end her run in the middle of the elimination challenges. Better than getting face time in the bottom three, though, no?

Quickfire!

Padma is “delighted” to introduce Johnny Iuzzini, award winning pastry chef and food-porn website guy. Really, that is a disgusting picture. Plus, even I could photoshop a head on better than that.

Anyway, it’s the bain of their existence – pastry. They’ve got an hour and a half to make one dessert, any dessert. Several of the chefs mention that they don’t have a single pastry recipe ready… what? Is this NOT something that comes up EVERY SINGLE SEASON? Had it not happened in a quickfire, you’re going to get stuck doing a dessert at one time or another. Come prepared.

Spike goes full force with a pineapple rum raisin souffle with toasted coconut, and it’s served in the bottom half of the pineapple… shell? Casing? What is that called?
Richard’s got banana “scallops” with banana gracamole and chocolate ice cream. Padma deems it “strange and delicious.”
Jennifer serves up chocolate cake with chocolate dipped banana bites. Andrew has banana and chocolate ravioli with pudding. Nikki has buttermilk cake with berry sauce. Innovative. Stephanie (who the graphic incorrectly credits as “Jennifer” while she explains her dish) dishes out another chocolate cake, this one with salted basil ganache. Dale whips up a halo-halo with shaved ice, avocado, mango, kiwi and nuts. Lisa has yogurt with furit puree, fried wantons and strawberries, Mark’s got pavlovas made with wattleseed and Antonia “attempted” a bruleed lemon curd with lemon cake. Curd.

Antonia, Spike and Mark – YOU FAILED. He does give Spike props for attempting such a challenging dish. Mark has trouble being criticized.

The winners are Dale, Lisa (booo) and Richard (yea!). Richard wins! His big prize (besides the immunity) is that his recipe will be feature in the Top Chef cookbook they’ve been shoving down our throats all night. Barf. We can get that shit online for free.

Okay, the chefs are off to Second City! Even I’d be excited about that. I’ve loved Steve Carell for seven or eight years now – his wife, Nancy Walls, is also funny as hell. Come back to The Daily Show, Nancy!

So, they’re watching improv when all of a sudden we’ve got an audience participation thing. Name a color! Name an emotion! And then… name a food!

D’oh!

They all get it immediately, and no one looks terribly happy. In fact, Andrew and Richard look downright pissed off. I might be, too, if I had to cook one of these dishes:

Yellow Love Vanilla
Depressed Purple Bacon
Magenta Drunk Polish Sausage
Green Perplexed Tofu
Orange Turned-on Asparagus

In fact, all the courses suck so much they end up drawing from a hat to determine who has to cook what. We end up with Jennifer and Stephanie on team Orange Turned-on Asparagus, Richard and Dale with Green Perplexed Tofu, Spike and Andrew taking care of Yellow Love Vanilla, Antonia and Lisa on Magenta Drunk Polish Sausage and Mark and Nikki on Depressed Purple Bacon. MmmYum!

After the required extended commercial for Hippie Foods the chefs get down to work. Oh wait, I should mention that Lisa manages to asshole out once again: “I’m not gonna dumb down my food because of what some drunken schmuck screamed out in the audience.” She’s currently #1 on my list of chefs I want to PACK THEIR KNIVES AND GO. Anyway, she and Antonia (Team Cheater) punk out and decide to cook chorizo sausage instead of polish sausage. Freaking hacks, send these idiots home.

So, what’s the big twist this week? No electric devices for prep! Oooooooooo – They’ll have to IMPROV. Fire someone.

So, Team Yellow Love Vanilla (SPAndrew) are whipping up some vanilla squash soup. That sounds disgusting, but whatever. Cheater Antonia giggles out that she’s “gonna, like, vomit in my mouth” if Spike wins. Thank you for that.

Team Green Perplexed Tofu (Dale and Richard) are serving green curry along with grilled tofu which has been marinated in beef fat. Perplexed tofu – not bad. Much of the dish was Richard’s brain child, but Dale takes it from there since Richard brings with him immunity. The teams are all working quite well together this week.

Purple Depressed Bacon (Mark and Nikki) are going with a roasted pork loin, and Orange Turned-On Asparagus (my favorites this time around, Jennifer and Stephanie) will be dishing up a menage a trois of orange, goat cheese and asparagus.

Finally we’ve got Team Cheaters (Antonia and Lisa), who will be serving sea bass, chorizo and purple potatoes. Cheater Antonia tells us that “like, just as long as we make it taste good, you know, we’ll be good.” She’s an idiot, but I’m really rooting for Lisa to PACK HER KNIVES tonight.

Out come the dishes! In addition to Tom, Padma and Ted Allen the chefs will be serving several of the cast members from Second City. An honor.

SPAndrew’s vanilla squash soup goes over quite well. Eh.

Next up we’ve got Jennifer and Stephanie, who give perhaps the best introduction in TC history. Stephanie proudly touts the “nice long hard log of aged goat cheese,” and then they each down a piece of asparagus. It would have been a better sell had they fed each other, but it was still great. But, oh no – they don’t like the food. Ted thinks it’s not a menage a trois, but more of an orgy since there are way more than three things going on. One of the Second City women asks, “Isn’t that the point of an orgy?” Yes, dumbass, that’s what he JUST SAID. I hope she catches jokes quicker than that on stage.

Richard and Dale are pure class as they serve up their dish, alternately giving all the credit to each other. I like it, and so do the diners. They also love the food. Yea!

Okay, time for Team Cheaters. Spike tells us that “it went out cold, it looked like turds.” Also pointed out that polish sausage was their meat, and yet there isn’t a link to be seen on their plates. The morons of Team Cheaters serve the meal, do a shot of tequila (none provided for the diners) and giggle their way back into the kitchen. Hate. The diners like the dish all right, but are peeved at the BLATANT, PATHETIC CHEATING THAT THESE TWO HACKS HAVE STOOPED TO.

Last out we’ve got Richard and Nikki, and Ted Allen can’t wipe the smile off his face while he drools all over the bacon. I had some kick ass Usinger’s bacon this weekend, but I don’t piss myself when I get a good piece. Damn, Ted.

We get a shot of Jennifer packing her knives, wondering aloud if packing up before judgement might be a bad “omen.” Uh-oh.

Judgement!

Spandrew, Dale and Richard – you brought the show home! Thankfully, Richard and Dale take the win and each walk away with $2500 worth of cookware.

Losers! Team Cheaters, of course, and also Stephanie and Jennifer. Noooo! Lisa, who is disgusting, whines about never having had good polish sausage – she says it’s not something she’d “ever dream of putting on a plate.” Sounds like a really great chef. Idiot Antonia starts with “From now on…” but Tom cuts her off with “If there’s a from now on.” Disgusting Lisa whines that she’s out there for a “slight wording thing.” Yes, the concept of this challenge would have stumped Stephen Hawking, I’m sure. Moron, hack and cheater.

The judges try to reframe the issue by accusing Stephanie and Jennifer of using the goat cheese as the main ingredient, and term the plate “a trainwreck.” Food-porn star Johnny really hated it. Shut up.

We’re treated to more of Lisa’s whining and swearing back in the kitchen while the judges deliberate. In the end, the judges have absolutely no honor and choose the cheater’s dish over the plate on which an effort was actually made. Great to know that, from now on, if they say “make a chicken dish” someone can fucking put out a corn chowder – if it’s good, you’ll hang around, rules be damned.

Jennifer’s out. At least Zoi won’t be lonely anymore.