Week Six: Tailgating

The knife packing really hasn’t been going my way so far this season. Let’s see if we can change that tonight!

We open with Shithead Spike lamenting the fact that a few of his housemates seem to wish that he’d been the one to go home last week. So do a few of the viewers. He thinks it’s because people are “feeling a little bit threatened”… by the guy who was in the bottom roundup. Idiot.

We move on to a seemingly forced (semi-scripted?) confrontation between Dale and Lisa. Dale apologizes for calling Lisa out on her negativity, and she pretty much blows him off. I don’t much care for Dale’s personality, but Lisa is easily my least favorite female cheftestant. Whiner. The elimination of either one this week would please me.

Quickfire!

Yea, it’s an alcohol quickfire – let’s get it on!
Koren Grieveso, head chef of Chicago’s Avec Restaurant. Stephanie supplies the obligatory guest judge endorsement: “The food’s really awesome and it’s… really popular.” She couldn’t have seemed less enthused, but whatever.

So, each chef tastes three different beers, ultimately selecting one to pair with a dish of their choice. Antonia, also one of my least favorites, shares that she’s having a hard time maintaining her standards: “Chefs tend to think of the audience and, like dumb [the dish] down.” You can go home any day now, too.

Jennifer is “doing this for Zoi,” and has approached the challenge with a great attitude. Good luck to her. She’s chosen Land Shark Lager and has paired it the beer with shrimp and scallop beignets with fennel, avocado and pepper puree. And she wins! Our losers this time around were Nikki’s, Dale and Spike. We get a cut to see Jennifer laughing when Spike is called out. While it may certainly been creative editing, it’s deserved either way.

Elimination Challenge!

Da Bears are playing at Soldier Field tomorrow, and the chefs will be in the crowd. Tailgating is a midwestern tradition revolving around sports, beer and food – anything from Usinger’s is fair game. MmmmmUsingersausage. The chefs will be cooking for semi-trashed Bears fans before the game, and the fans will have the usual (no) say in determining who PACKS THEIR KNIVES AND GOES.

Well, each each chef for themself, which is the kind of challenge I like. They swarm Whole Foods, and Shithead Spike wisely buys up every chicken wing they had to offer. Whole Foods sells chicken wings?

Ryan, The Prince of Nepotism, is whining about how he’s not a sports fan – he likes to dance and spend his money on good clothes. What. A. Tool. My list of acceptable eliminations is pretty long this week. Also, guess what PoN, you don’t have to play the freaking sport – just shut up and cook your crap. Oh, also – for hungry drunk people he decides to go with bread salad, marinated chicken thighs and a poached grilled pear. Unless he’s marinating those thighs in BBQ, this isn’t going to go over well. Yea!

Several of the other chefs are completely on point: Spike’s got his wings going, Richard’s pounding out some burgers and Jennifer’s packing meat on a stick. What? I hadn’t meant anything when I typed that out, but I’m leaving it in.

It’s back to the house where Mark and Andrew share a bottle of wine while taking a bath together. Moving on.

Challenge time! The chefs have the opportunity to choose between the fancy electric grill and an old fashioned charcoal grill. Only Mark goes with the charcoal, and it makes me adore him even more. He needs to find a much better bath partner.

Paul Kahan, owner of Chicago’s Black Bird and Avec restaurants is guest judging along with Padma, Collichio and Gail.

Dale also hit the nail on the head with this challenge and has gone with baby back ribs marinated in tandoori and served with potato salad with raisins and mango. He flips out about serving it to a bunch of tall fat men who mean nothing to me – William Perry and Richard Dent, players for Da Bears. Screw them, I’m from Wisconsin. PACKAAAAS. The ribs are a hit, and things are looking good for Dale.

While serving up his jicama and pineapple slaw with lime dressing and fire spiced chicken wings he asks the players “When was the last time the Bears won a super bowl?” They were unhappy with the question, and having no idea myself, I checked it out. 1985. Way to go, losers. Packers rule. The judges like the wings as well.

Antonia is serving up a Jamaican jerk chicken sandwich with grilled banana and pineapple, which wouldn’t be at all bad with a beer.

Ryan is doing a great job of shmoozing the crowd while he serves up his frou frou bread salad with marinated chicken poached pear and brandy cocoa. Might as well have served a chunk of tofu on a fennel salad.

Andrew goes with glazed shrimp with potato parsnip puree and a bacon and apple chutney. It looks disgusting. Judgement is mixed.

Lisa and Jennifer will presumably be in the middle since each gets about five seconds of camera time. Lisa has skirt steak with corn cake and salsa verde; Jennifer has chicken marinated with Harissa and quinoa tabouli.

Richard gets some solid face time as he serves up his pate melt with spicy mayo and pickeled cucumbers. The fans like it, but we don’t really hear anything from the judges.

Mark is in a rush – remember now, he’s the only one who went with the charcoal grill and he’s having trouble cleaning it in between burger firings. It’s not smooth, but it’s hardly the “absolute disaster” Tom deems it. The reaction to the food isn’t good, either. Uh-oh.

On to Nikki, or as I like to think of her, the bread basket of Top Chef. She had planned to serve sausage and peppers along side grilled shrimp with hot sauce and spiced cider. She made the sauces, but not the sausage, which they’re not happy about. Also, she’s completely out of peppers and onions by the time the time the judges finally drag their asses to her table. Uh-oh again.

Judgement!

The “fan favorites” are Stephanie, Dale and Antonia. What? No wings? No burger? Oh well. This week’s winner is Dale, and kudos to him since the day probably meant more to him than anyone else. His prize is a bears Jersey… what a crock. Oh, he also gets to keep the grill. Not bad.

Mark, Nikki and Ryan – you’re up. They crap all over Nikki for not making her own sausage, and of course for running out of food before they were able to stuff their faces for the eleventh time that afternoon. Ryan is called out for making inappropriate food, and defends the “dining experience” he offered. It’s tailgating, not a “dining experience” you tool. Richard catches shit for his “messy” station and for putting so much sauce on his burger that the charcoal flavor was lost.

RYAN’S OUT! In addition to being inappropriate food, Tom lets him know it was just “not very good.” I have to give him credit though, because after being eliminated he gives a heartfelt thanks to the judges and shakes the hand of each. He leaves rather emotionally, and says that the show has taught him that “Wow, I’m not the shit.” He’s also extraordinarily complimentary towards his fellow contestants. Yup, on the way out Ryan is pure class. Overall, he’s still one of the most annoying in an extremely annoying season, but a real man on the way out.