Week Eight: Common Threads

Opening shot of Lisa the Hack smoking a cigarette on the balcony. Nice pad they’ve got there in Chicago. Antonia the moron shares: “I wake up this morning, like, fired up… fuck everybody. I came here to win.” Yeah, that’ll happen. When it comes to filler, she’s the butter to Nikki’s bread.

Quickfire!

The QF guest judge is Oprah’s personal chef Art Smith. This challenge is apparently sponsored by Uncle Ben’s… barf. Oh well, they’ve only got fifteen minutes to turn out an entree, so whatever.

Antonia the Hack serves up rice salad with skirt steak, arugula, red onions and cherry tomatoes. Hack, hack, hack.

Nikki presents veggie fried rice with mushroom, snap peas, zucchini and eggs. Yum!

From Richard we get a tuna steak with tomatoes over rice with a yuzu vinagrette.

Stephanie takes it to the next level with brown rice pancakes with scallops.

Spike dishes up rice stuffed tomatoes with veal, port and rice wine vinegar – they look a bit messy, but interesting all the same.

Lisa the Hack has rice, corn, black beans and peppers with avocado creme and grilled shrimp.

Dale whipped up pineapple fried rice with grilled scallops and grilled long beans.

Mark has miso glazed turkey over rice with snap peas and grapes.

Finally, we get wild rice crusted fish with almond and sun dried tomato pesto from Andrew.

Bottom three: Mark (booo), Stephanie (booo) and Lisa (YES YES YES YES YES).
Top Three: Dale, Richard (yea to both!) and Antonia. Are you kidding me? And shit, she wins – we have to deal with this fucking idiot for yet another week. Barf.

Elimination Challenge!

Each chef must create a simple, nutritious meal for a family for four – with a ten dollar budget. This is coming along with the guy who cooks for Oprah? WTF? I hope they don’t have to use that $10 at Whole Foods.

Yeah, of course they do. Everyone seems quite confused at the moment – who wouldn’t be? I can barely create a meal for one with $10. Oh well, back to the kitchen where menus can start coming together. But, wait – we need a twist! The chefs will be cooking along side students in the Common Threads program. And they’re all about ten years old.

Lisa the Hack is attempting a chicken breast with adamame, lime, black beans, white bread, peanut butter and apples. Final Result: Roasted chicken with edamame andblack beans, peanut butter and apple french toast. The judges aren’t loving it. Awesome.

Richard has chicken thighs with beets, avocado, lime, jalapeno, apples, black beans and ginger root. That’s some fine shopping for $10. Final result: Roasted chicken with black beans, and an apple, avocado and beet salad. Chef Smith would have taken the skin off the chicken, but liked everything else.

Antonia the Hack has linguine, chicken breast, bok choy, carrots, onion, red pepper and edamame. She probably brought along an extra $20, to hell with the rules. Final result: Chicken vegetable stir fry with whole wheat noodles.

Spike’s going with spaghetti, sauce, capers, olives, parmesan cheese, carrots, oranges and apples. Apples must have been the cheapest thing in the store. Spike’s actually pretty good with his kid, too. Props. Final result: pasta puttanesca, carrot soup and semi-baked apples. It goes over quite well.

Mark’s got curry paste, coconut milk, sweet potatoes, cucumber and naan bread. Lisa thinks that “making a curry for, you know, a family with children is kind of a bad idea.” Final result: Veggie curry, cinnamon rice and cucumber salad. “Too sweet… Not enough protein.”

Nikki is working with a whole chicken red potatoes, brussel sprouts, apples, grape tomatoes and cucumber. Some more great shopping! Final result: roasted chicken with mixed veg, and a tomato and cucumber salad. “Delicious… sweet.” Damn, filler is really hanging in there!

Andrew has chicken thighs, a fennel bulb, oranges, apples, parm and bread crumbs. That sounds like the best ingredient combo so far. Final Result: Chicken paillard with fennel, apples and orange salad. It looks outstanding. The judges love it.

Stephanie has one heck of a list: half a chicken, couscous, eggplant, zucchini, tomatoes, parm, peanut butter, yogurt, granola and – OH! – apples. Final result: couscous with eggplant and zucchini along side chicken in peanut and tomato sauce. There’s a side dish of apples with granola as well. Poor Stephanie, they’re not crazy about this either. And she’d started so strong!

Dale brings out turkey bratwurst with potatoes, onions, red cabbage and apples. “Is it spicy?” asks a little cutie at the table… yes. Padma thinks they should have done something more universally suited to the palate.

Judgement!

Andrew, Antonia and Nikki come out on top, with the win going to Antonia. Barf. Looks like filler #2 will be around for awhile.

Lisa, Stephanie and Mark have the short end of the stick. If Lisa doesn’t go home, I’ll probably cry. Mark and Stephanie have rocked so hard so many times. Lisa does mention that she learned to “pay attention to the rules, it’s the most important thing” from last week. Okay. She’s sure she’s going home. And she’s wrong.

Mark, the most charming contestant this season is out. This is absolute bullshit. Shaping up to be the worst season ever!

Week Three: Block Party

Two weeks down, two women gone.

The “Block Party” amuse bouche consists of scenes of the chefs back in their Chicago pad. As the twins (Andrew and Spike) clown around, I assume annoying anyone who isn’t either Andrew or Spike, the rest of the chefs rise to face yet another challenge. Stephanie laments the loss of Valerie, hoping that at least one of the women will make it to the finale. There is little talk about a woman actually winning – just making it to the finale seems to be the goal. I see no connection to any other current event.

Quickfire!

The guest judge is Chicago chef and “culinary star” Rick Bayless, white cooker of The Mexican Food – ahem, fine dining Mexican cuisine, that is. Bayless, who is apparently a distant relative of Don Knotts, will judge the cheftestants’ ability to create a “high end” taco. This sounds easy enough, but of course many of the chefs (most notably Erik and Spike) find reason to bitch. Tacos are “street food” and not fine dining. Did these two watch the past seasons? We’ve seen chefs make high quality food out of ingredients purchased at a gas station. Show some creativity, dipshit.

He’s not crazy about Erik, Lisa or Ryan… we’ve got out bottom three. Andrew and Richard have no problem with creating great tacos, and the they (along with Spike and his boring pork taco) comprise Bayless’ top picks. Andrew does a duck breast taco with plantain jam and cotija cheese…Bayless loves it. Richard forgoes the traditional tortilla, instead using shaved pieces of jicama – innovative! His filling is avocado, papaya and cilantro stems – mmmmmmm. Andrew is sure he’s about to win, and I love to root against him. Yea! Or wait, Boo! In the end, Richard is the standout and secures himself immunity for the next round. Top Taco! Richard’s creation will even be featured on the menu of Chicago’s Topolobampo. That is no trip to Cannes, but it’s not bad.

Elimination Challenge!

The chefs divide themselves into two teams (have we ever seen voluntary division before?) and load into vans to be driven to an as yet undisclosed location. Before long they arrive at a residential neighborhood, where Padma informs them they will be cooking for the neighborhood’s annual block party. I didn’t know neighborhoods still had block parties – is this a Chicago thing? I like it. So, they’ll be cooking for approximately seventy adults and forty children… but they won’t be shopping for them – they’ll be shopping from them.

The chefs must go door-to-door and pilfer ingredients from the kitchens and pantries of the folks they’re about to cook for. I guess it isn’t a huge surprise to the neighborhood (especially to those residents who already had camera crews in their homes to get that ‘opening the door’ shot), and the overall task is pretty bland. I hope they were reimbursed for what was taken, though, as one woman with a pantry the size of my bedroom even handed over bottles of wine. That would have to be a pretty big contribution for a block party, I’m just saying. Maybe the TC producers stocked them up before hand with the agreement that they’d get to keep whatever the chefs didn’t take. I’d take that sweet deal.

So, back to the planning. Team Blue, consisting of Richard (con immunity), Manuel, Stephanie, Mark, Lisa and Antonia and Nikki, decides to go ‘upscale,’ doing something other than just hamburgers and hot dogs. Cut to Team Red (Andrew, Spike, Erik, Dale, Ryan, Zoi and Jennifer), who are planning their menu of hamburgers and hot dogs.

Next morning – day of the challenge. They’ve got three hours to get their menu done, and from there it must be transported back to the neighborhood for the par-tay. Team Blue has decided to go for a paella, slaw, BBQ pulled pork, bean salad, fruit cobbler, mac and cheese, an inside out cookie and a “sexy drink.” What makes it sexy? Lavender. Nikki is using velveeta for the mac and cheese… was this a requirement? Dave from season one would cry – we all know that man could serve up some mac and cheese! And seriously, one of those houses had to have something other than a “cheese food.”

Things are a bit cocky over on Team Red, even though their menu consists of sliders (tiny hamburgers), corn dogs, pork skewers, sangria, waldorf salad, pasta salad, taco salad and s’mores. Erik’s corn dogs actually look really good, but he’s still got to transport something that’s been deep fried before actually serving it. That might not go well. Zoi isn’t happy about having to make pasta salad, and whines about it. She “feels a little bit like [she] should have said something,” but, of course, she didn’t. Boo-freaking-hoo.

Cut to the block party. We’ve got chalk drawings, games, rides and hungry folks waiting for food as soon as the chefs arrive to unload. I want to live on this block! Erik’s corn dogs are soggy, but not so bad that he feels they are unfit to be served. Nikki’s mac and cheese hasn’t done well on the commute either, and has “totally dried out.” She tries to save it with butter and cream, but it’s not looking good. Hmm… lots of attention on the corn dogs and mac & cheese – I’d call a bottom team if they weren’t on separate ones.

Well, Bayless is back to guest judge along with Padma, Tom and Ted Allen – Nikki’s got bacon on top of her mac & cheese, so Ted should be content. He also gets really excited about sausage, so I guess breakfast foods are great all around in his book. Dale really took his pork skewers to the next level – they look great. I just ate, but I could go for some of that. Anyway, his pork tenderloin has been done with pineapple and smoked red curry BBQ sauce. Both Padma and Ted sound impressed. The cocky streak of Team Red hasn’t ended, and Spike/Andrew has all but called their win. They’re off to drink beer and play games with the neighbors. Maybe Erik is off the hook!

Let’s check with the middle-Americans! Hey, they’re just like me! They’ve got positive things to say about both teams, but weren’t crazy about Richard’s paella. Uh-oh… they also thought Erik’s corn dogs were too soft. He’s getting way too much attention this time around. That’s never good.

Back to judging… Tom isn’t impressed with anyone. Team Blue is summoned first, and it’s noted that the mac & cheese had “formed a brick” and that the paella wasn’t really a paella, but more of a rice pilaf. Still, the flavors was fine. Stephanie notes that she “conceptualized the dessert” and helped with the drink. She’s declared the winner, and that’s two wins in three episodes. Not bad Stephanie! Still, Tom cautions them that he expected much more. Send out Team Blue.

Not a soul on Team Blue is happy for Stephanie in her win, though a few through half-hearted ‘congratulations’ her way on their way into judging. Ryan has no idea why they’re there, and Andrew “thought we kicked their ass.” Padma – “You didnt.’ Nuff said. Erik explains that the transport time was the problem with his corn dogs, but Ted Allen points out that they knew that was part of the challenge.

Spike jumps in, saying that the four judges have much more sensitive palates than those of the residents in the neighborhood, and that they’d “cooked for the neighborhood.” Bad idea, plus I’m kinda insulted. Oh, who am I kidding, I like Taco Bell. Zoi again whines about having to make the pasta salad, and Erik admirably points out that she hadn’t wanted to be stuck with that dish.

Again, Spike jams his foot in his mouth and warns the judges that they’ll have to pull him out with security guards should they choose him for elimination – “this is my house.” I’d kick his ass out just for being a douche, but it’s not my call to make. There is actually no (televised) reaction to his outburst, and the whole team is sent back so the judges can deliberate. It is decided that the weakest dishes are Ryan’s soggy Waldorf salad and Eric’s corn dogs. Ted thinks they looked “absolutely amazing,” but by serve time it just didn’t hold up. Zoi’s pasta dish is deemed “terrible,” and the judges think pasta salad from the grocery store would have been better. She’s still angry at herself for not speaking up (which, apparently she had at least done to Erik).

Oh well, a decision has been made, and even though Erik failed at a comparatively challenging dish – not a soggy salad – it is his time to go.

Boo. Come cook for me, Erik.

Week Two: Zoo Food

I’ve taken to watching Top Chef at mealtime. I cannot get through an episode without stuffing my facehole with something or other, so I might as well make it dinner.

So here we are, week two! Woohoo! These early episodes are a bit tougher to recap as the actual food description takes up so much time. It’s hard to snark on an anchovy.

The chefs are all settled in to their sweet Chicago home, and episode two opens with bit scenes of the women exercising and the men lounging around in the kitchen. Leslie mentions that she and Stephanie used to work together at a restaurant there in Chicago; she’s happy to have a friend around and hopes they’ll be able to compete together as a team at some point. Foreshadowing?

Quickfire! The cheftestants are called to Chicago’s Green City Market, where they are greeted by Padma. After watching parts (most) of the Season One marathon the other day, and the horror that was Katie Joel, it’s nice to see Padma again. Quick word to her, though: don’t be giving out your cookbook as a “prize” this season… seriously, these are chefs, they aren’t going to spend time hunched over your collection of recipes – does anyone disagree? Plug it all you want, but let’s save the MacBooks and trips to Cannes to be doled out as gifts.

So, the challenge is that the cheftestants must create a dish using only five ingredients – that’s five from the market and TC Pantry combined. The only ingredients that don’t count are salt, sugar, pepper and oil. Is this supposed to be a terribly difficult challenge? I mean, we’ve seen cheftestants in the past create awesome dishes using three ingredients from a gas station. Assuming the chefs can count, this should be a breeze.

There isn’t much drama at the market save for the fact that Mark forgets his lettuce at one of the stands… whatever will he do?

Back in the kitchen the chefs are met by Padma and guest judge and molecular gastronomist Wylie Dufresne of NYC’s wd-50. I love how completely underwhelmed the chefs often are regarding their guest judges. Spike all but vomits in his own mouth while giving us the obligatory cut-scene background info about Wylie. Bottom line – if it’s not Colicchio, no one gives a shit.

We’re off! Here’s the rundown of the dishes… sigh, fifteen chefs to go through.

Richard: Chicken soup, using chicken, apples, apples cider, eucalyptus and butter. Wylie’s only aired comment is that “it’s not terribly strong on the eucalyptus.” Ouch. Being a “molecular gastronomist” himself, Richard had been hoping for some love.

Ryan: Lettuce, radishes, potatoes, sirloin steak and dijon mustard. “Properly cooked, simple, tasty… nice.”

Dale: Mushrooms, shallots, mushrooms, eggs, butter. “Very nice, thank you.”

Valerie: Rib eye steak, peaches, sweet potatoes, tomatoes, arugula. “Refreshing. Very juicy.”

Spike: Tenderloin tips, apples, bread, apple cider, rosemary. Poor Spike, he’d been expecting full tips but when he inspected his purchase found they’d been all chopped up. “Thought this was going to be a sandwich.”

Erik: Lamb chop, baby carrots, potatoes, mint, garlic. “All right, thank you.”

Mark: Sirloin steak, turnips, mushrooms, peaches, butter. “Nice sideburns.”

Andrew: Lamb chops, peaches, onions, mint, potatoes, balsamic vinegar. One, two, three, four, five… six. Nice job, Andrew. You’re out.

Well, scratch the fifteen chefs… these are the only descriptions we get. The lesbian power couple has been shafted! C’mon, Bravo!

Biggest disappointments: Spike, Erik (dammit – I like Erik) and Richard. Ouch!

Standouts: Ryan, Valerie and Mark. Yea! I like Mark (I pretty much like anyone with an accent). Mark wins! Wylie likes how Mark dealt with forgetting the lettuce… his ability to shift his entire menu on the fly shows the mark of a true Top Chef. So says I.

On to the elimination challenge. The cheftestants draw from the knife block one of five animals: Vulture, Bear, Gorilla, Penguin and Lion. Hmm, what was the title of this episode? Kick ass, I’ve never met a zoo I didn’t like. Zoos rule. Plus that’s a fun word, “zoo.” Zooooo.

So, we’ve got five teams with three members each, and their challenge is to cater a staff party at the Lincoln Park Zoo. The menu must conform to the type of foods eaten by the animal they’ve selected. Poor team vulture. Here’s the team lineup:

Vulture: Manuel (this guy gets no camera time, so we can assume he’s safe), Zoi, Mark
Bear: Dale, Spike, Nikki
Gorilla: Antonia, Valerie, Stephanie
Lion: Erik, Ryan and Richard
Penguin: Andrew, Lisa, Jen

The cheftestants begin to figure out their menus, and a bit of special attention seems to be paid to team Gorilla. Uh-oh! Editor attention is never a good thing…

Back at Casa TopChef Dale attempts to foretell the winner a la Lisa Simpson: “What are you more scared of, a bear or a vulture….c’mon, BearVulture?” Is that like a ManBearPig? I still haven’t entirely forgiven Dale for that headshot, plus he’s annoying in the opening sequence.

Menu. Boring.

Team Gorilla: Lamb and edamame lettuce cups, banana bread, crab salad on celery root chip, black olive blinis with mascarpone.

Team Lion: Bison tartare, beet salad with goat cheese foam, chicken sate, prime rib with horseradish foam. From his couch Marcel emails a poem in which he is all “yo, man, whatever!”

Team Bear: Venison loin with squash, seared salmon, stuffed mushrooms, cheese and honeycomb on bread. Oh man, I don’t dig venison but the rest of that menu sounds awesome. Someone needs to prepare “cheese and honeycomb on bread” for me. And I shall judge it.

Team Penguin: Thai shrimp and crab salad, roasted zucchini, squid ceviche, yuzu and mint “glacier.”

Team Vulture: Braised chicken on tostada chip, moroccan lamb meatball, anchovy on quinoa croquette.

Colicchio in the house! We’re twenty-six minutes into the show and this is the first Tom sighting! He stops by each table to pull faces and subtly express his complete lack of confidence in all teams. Ahh, Tom. I know I’m not the only one who would like to see the judges cook under the same circumstances as the chefs – just once. Preferably with ingredients purchased from a gas station.

So, Dale is concerned about his team’s mushroom dish – they taste okay but they “look like turds, and who wants to put a turd in their mouth?” More eloquence from Spike – or Andrew, I really can’t tell those two apart. Let’s get rid of one of them to make my job easier.

Stephanie’s chips (on which her crab salad was to be served) are soggy. It’s salad city from here on out, baby! Quick thinking, and who wants their salad on top of a chip anyway? Pretentious. Oooh, let me eat my chip-salad while I watch anime and drink Australian Shiraz.

That’s enough out of me. The blinis are also getting some air time, and not in a good way – I think we’ve got our bottom three! Mushrooms, crab salad and blinis. Bad news for Team Gorilla.

Colicchio and Wylie are joined by Gail Simmons and Padma. Does anyone else wonder about these judges? I mean, there is nothing they don’t like as a whole. Pickled vegetables, good! Squid, good! Anchovies – gooooooood. Just once I’d like to see one of them look back and forth between a plate and a chef, whisper “No. Not today, not ever,” and walk away. Oh well, I guess making crap taste great is the mark of a TC.

Nikki wisely attempts to “forget” the mushrooms, but Gail has to be a big spoil sport and inquire about the missing dish. Mushrooms served, mushrooms dissed. Spike thinks they should have been pulled, and perhaps he’s right – but my guess is that, had that been decided, Team Bear would have stood at judges table for an incomplete menu as opposed to a crappy dish. Which is better? You have to decide.

The chefs have only known each other for a week or so at this point, so there is little conflict during the challenge. Everyone seems to be pulling their weight, working well – nice to see, but we know it won’t last all the way to Restaurant Wars!!!

Judges table dum de dumdum…

The Vultures and the Penguins are called out first. I think they make them stand back like 100 feet to get that shot from behind the judges’ table. Congrats, V’s and P’s, you are the winners! Wylie selects Andrew as the winner, but he goes away prizeless. That sucks.

Send back the Gorillas and the Bears. We’ve already highlighted which dishes they’re here for (mushrooms, crab salad and blini). Colicchio hated the peccorino cheese that had been added to the mushrooms. Dale explains: “I looked at those mushrooms and said ‘that looks like shit.’ I want to put cheese on it so it doesn’t look like shit.” Nice. Too bad no one bothered to taste the mushrooms after the cheese had been dumped on top. I dislike Dale more and more – he shifts the blame to Nikki despite interjections from both she and Spike. Still, we’ve got one bad dish here, two there.

Stephanie goes down for her crab salad, but she was the winner last week… will that be enough? Valerie goes down for the blini. Colicchio wimps out and asks Antonia who she’d hire in her restaurant… Stephanie. Ouch. In a cut scene Valerie mentions that Antonia hadn’t even tasted the blini – double ouch. Add to that, the banana bread that Stephanie made was a hit with the judges. I think we know who’s about to PACK HER KNIVES AND GO.

Ah, Valerie, we hardly knew you.

In closing, I must say it’s nice to see the judges act a bit more restrained with their critique for the time being. Calling dishes at this level “terrible” or “inedible” is kind of an insult to the audience… I prefer adjectives like “weak” and the like. No point in being an ass just to be an ass. Well, I guess that is the point. Nevermind.

Zooooooo.

Aside: These Step it up and Dance commercials are the most annoying thing on Bravo right now, and that includes the douche who just won Project Runway. I despise every single person on that show, and I can find love for the Top Models. Always.

Premiere Episode: Anything You Can Cook I Can Cook Better

All right… manufactured conflict, awkward cuts and snarky judges. That’s right people, Top Chef is back! 

We begin with a brief introduction of each contestant. First up is Ryan, on whom I hereby bestow the title of Top Douche. Ryan smugly informs us that his parents put him to work in their restaurant at age eleven, and he, wonderchild, was so awesome that his father responded by firing two other workers… so, nepotism put two people out of a job. Great way to endear yourself to America right now. Likeability rating: 1  

Next up:  Nimma, whose back story was clearly designed to resonate with viewers. Her parents are strict, but they still love and support her stint on Top Chef blah blah blah. Definitely likable. 

On to Zoi, who in her application video freaks out over her ability to make spicy pig head soup. Okay.  Likable.

Mark gets intro number four, another seemingly cool guy. He moved to the US from New Zealand and wants to win so he can open his own restaurant. Likable. 

Nitrogen lover Richard is up next, and he’s “super pumped and excited.” He also sports what I suppose passes for a mohawk. This guy is 35, and he makes me feel better about the fact that, at 29, I still wear short sleeved tees over long sleeved ones and Converse shoes.  Super likable! 

As Jennifer introduces herself via voiceover she’s shown walking with Zoi… and getting pizza with Zoi… and laughing it up with Zoi. Fast friends right here in Chicago. I have no real read on this person, I think she’s going to fade into the Top Chef background. Likable enough, though.

So by now the Cheftestants are at Pizzaria Uno, presumably meeting each other for the first time. Erik (aka NotHowie) shakes hands while his voice over tells us how vocal he is about things being done right in his kitchen. Likable (I’m pretty easy!)

Now we’ve got Spike of the Annoying Headshot. He’s the first who gets bleeped (more than once, at that) during his intro. NotHowie got bleeped in a piece of old footage he included, but “badass” Spike has decided to fuck it up during his actual intro interview. Come on. He’s the second one I don’t like.

Stephanie walks up to the pizza joint next (do you think they’ve got them all down the street, holding them like it’s backstage at at Top Model? Go! Go! Go!), and she has an Obi Wan backpack. I’m not a Star Wars nut, but I’m loving this girl.

So, break for some drama. Zoi and Jennifer are a lesbian couple from San Francisco. Bravo pushes this issue all night… do they have an unfair advantage because of their relationship? Text your vote! I doubt they have a serious advantage, and no thanks.

Quickfire! Not all the intros have been made, but I guess we’ve met the people who will factor in to this episode. Well, we know how Top Chef is all about imagination and creativity, so the challenge must live up to that, right? Drumroll!!! We’re going to make deep dish pizza! How… predictable.  

Everyone is nervous about this quickfire, and I certainly can’t blame them for that. It sucks that Top Chef doesn’t have some kind of a ‘free week’ to start off – I mean, considering the professional backgrounds these people come from I’m sure they could all cook my ass off… it’s always sad to see one go home when barely out of the gate. Such is the life of a (might have been) reality TV star.

What, more introductions!? They snuck these in on me. Here we’ve got Dale, who is infinitely less annoying than his head shot lead me to believe. Seems all right. He’s followed by Valerie, who is from Chicago but whose background is in fine dining – good luck making deep dish pizza. Likable. Manuel pipes up next, another executive chef from NYC – “classically French trained.” Barf. Other than that, he’s all right. I’m just jealous. I’m bored with these intros, they’d better hurry it up. Nikki from Manhattan is up next, and she’s all about thin crust. Crust war! Antonia, you’re up! Antonia loves to feed people. That’s all she gets.  Lisa’s turn, and she likes to “touch people with food.” Moving on!

Piece of crap Spike is whining about how his pan has been used by another competitor, and that he looks like a “fucking hack” because he’s now making his pizza in a cast iron skillet. Awesome. He talks to himself the whole time and snorts his distain right into his pizza. Break me off a piece of that!  

We get a sidebar from Dale, who opines away about how “horrible” many of the pizzas look – and he’s right. I hate deep dish to begin with, and the last thing I’d want is two extra inches of crust. Others are falling apart, and one will barely come out of the pan. Better luck next time.

Now, the cheftestants are off to deliver their pizza! They pack up the ‘za (Michael Scott!) and drive off to a new location. It’s a beautiful home, but whose can it be? Ding dong!  The door is answered by… Rocco Dispiroto. I assume each and every one of the cheftestants just threw up in their own mouth. I have to give them some credit though, they manage not to look too annoyed at the sight of this guy. 

Here’s the menu:
Valerie: Meat and potatoes pizza
Antonio: Pizza with burrata cheese, prosciutto, arugula and heirloom tomatoes
Lisa: Asian BBQ duck pizza 
Manuel: Pizza with sopressata and rapini a la siciliani  
Richard: Peach Taleggio pizza with sweet tea sauce. 
Stephanie: pizza with melon-tomato sauce, prosciutto, olives and arugula. Crocko says he smells “something funky.” I see something funky, assface.
Zoi: pizza with broccoli, pesto and lamb sausage
Dale: pizza with sausage, pickled kohlrabi, scallions and sriracha sauce
Ryan, Nepotism Wonderchild: pizza with escarole, ricotta salata and butternut squash
Nikki: White pie with comte, ricotta, pecorino cheeses and mushrooms.
Andrew: pizza with smoked marinara, prosciutto, onions and cheese
Jennifer: “Harvest Pizza” with grapes, bacon , fontina and rosemary
Erik: Pizza with mushrooms, onions, pepper and sausage
Spike: Pizza a la Grec: with onions, feta cheese, olives and sausage
Nimma: “Hunter-style pizza” with mushrooms, onions and stracchino cheese. Padma: “It’s missing a lot of salt.” 
Mark: Pizza with chicken, zucchini and marmite molasses

So, Rocco DiSmuggio has the cheftestants gather around – they are told to move over to a certain side of the room when he calls their name. Those called are Lisa, Nimma, Valerie, Manuel, Andrew, Stephanie, Nikki and Zoi. You guys are the losers! Hey look at them over there, standing, what a bunch of losers.  

Padma informs the chefs that the results of the quickfire will play into the elimination challenge tomorrow, and then she’s all like, “Yo! Casa motherfuckers!” Wait, maybe that was Spike’s paraphrasing. Turns out the beautiful home they just served pizza in will be their bunkhouse for the Chicago portion of the competition. Too bad it’s already been tainted by Rocco. Call a priest or something. Maybe a Denny’s line cook could rid the place of Rocco’s pretentiousness.

While the majority of the chefs hang out downstairs and get to know eachother Nimma heads upstairs. She’s “not here to have fun.” I’ve heard “not here to make friends” plenty of times, but – no fun? It’s reality TV, not the CIA. Get down, pouter. She sure is getting an awful lot of camera time….hmmm.

Cut to the next day. The quickfire winners choose knives numbered one through eight. Each QF winner picks a QF loser to battle against, but -oh!- there’s a catch. The QF loser will choose, from a shortlist, what dish they will cook.  Erik pulls knife eight and (correctly) realizes that he’ll be making a souffle – because who in their right mind would choose that when they could make crab cakes or lasagna instead?

So, in each pair there will be a winner and a loser, and the losers are the only ones who will be in line to PACK THEIR KNIVES AND GO.  The chefs are working separately, so the challenge goes pretty easily. Plus, it takes too long to write these when there are still sixteen contestants. Are you still there, reader? Don’t you have TiVo? I don’t, I have a cheap DVR that works just as well as a stupid Tivo any day. No TiVo tells me what to watch ever, EVER. 

Judges are in – Bourdain in the house! This guy can be an ass, but at least he’s got cred.
Mark vs. Stephanie on the Duck a l’orange. Winner: Stephanie.
Richard vs. Andrew on the Crab Cakes. The judges like both dishes, but Richard takes the (crab) cake. 
Jennifer vs. Nikki on the lasagna: Again, they love both, but the victory goes to Nikki. She made her pasta from scratch – nice.
Antonia vs Nimma on the Shrimp Scampi: Winner: Antonia. Nimma’s is TOO SALTY. Poor Nimma, she just can’t get her salt right. Crocko would have “sent it back if [he] ordered it in a restaurant.” Hopefully it’d be spit in before coming back out. Oh well, maybe he’s a nice guy off camera.
Spike vs. Lisa on the Eggs Benedict. Winner: Lisa (haha, Spike!), but they did love them both.
Dale vs Manuel on the Steak au Poivre. Winner: Dale.
Ryan vs Valerie on the Chicken Picatta. The chefs aren’t crazy about either one. Winner: Valerie. The ladies are representing!
Erik vs Zoi on the souffle. Winner: Zoi.

After some judge deliberation (and awesome Bravo commercials for us viewers), Padma invites Antonia, Nikki, Richard and Stephanie back into the hot zone. Dale curses his misfortune. Bad loser, now he’s annoying me again. Again, ladies represent and Stephanie is declared the winner of the first EC! Go you!

Loser call out. Stephanie has the task of sending back Ryan, Erik, Nimma and Mark. Crocko gives Erik a bunch of shit in the form of a condescending Q&A (what makes a souffle rise?), but – contrary to what Chef C asserts, Erik gets a pass for drawing the souffle, clearly the most difficult dish to attempt. I’m totally rooting for Ryan to go back to Dad’s kitchen. But no, Nimma doesn’t know her salt and she’s out. She leaves with nothing but class, thanking the judges for the opportunity and remaining positive. I really like Nimma and am sorry to see her go so soon. Again, why can’t we have a free week so the chefs can get their bearings? Because they need to be ready to work under pressure, blah blah blah. Cheers to Nimma – she could cook for me any day.